When I knew

It was ninth grade. I had only just begun to settle into my skin. I was changing on the outside (I was newly a brunette, I was wearing makeup regularly for the first time in my life) & on the inside (I had recently started at a new school & was forced to make new friends, a totally foreign concept to me at the time). I wasn't expecting any more big changes - & yet, little did I know, one of the biggest I can imagine was on its way.

That was the year I met Lana*. For the most part, she didn't interest me much at first - she, like all the rest, was searching for something, some labels to stick on herself, to "set herself apart," & the labels she had chosen bored me. All except for one: bisexual. Like many "straight" people, I was fascinated by queerness in any form. I found it intriguing that a person could, at such a young age, know themself that well, & make that information public. I envied Lana's confidence & self-awareness.

I made the classic straightie mistake of assuming that any & all positive interactions with a queer person automatically equaled flirtation. It's possible that Lana was actually flirting with me, but in retrospect, I don't think so. The very same remarks that would have seemed totally "normal" if she were straight ("I love your outfit!" "Can you help me with this essay?" "I'm so nervous for the recital!") were suddenly a danger, a challenge, a gripping plot filled with shocking twists & unsettling turns.

I was writing feverishly in my journal about how strange it was that this girl seemed to be interested in me, when suddenly it hit me: I wanted to flirt back. & not just because it would be funny. As I continued to write & delved progressively deeper into my psyche, I realized I wanted to hold Lana's hand, wanted to kiss her, wanted her to be my girlfriend. The sweaty palms in her presence, the scratchy voice when I tried to speak to her - it all made sense in a riveting flash of light. I stared down at the page before me, & with a clarity I'd never known before, wrote simply: "I am bisexual." The words looked so good to me, & I believed them.

Nothing much happened with Lana. I was still painfully shy at that point, & wasn't quite certain enough that she liked me to do anything about it. She dated some boys, & I got jealous. Summer came & went, & by the time school was back in session, I had no idea what it was about Lana that had made me so crazy for all those months. But I knew I would always remember her, because her questionable advances were what first made me realize a truth of myself that would change & guide my life.

*Name changed to protect my dignity.