This ain't no credit card commercial

Book of erotica to comfort you about your recent lack of snuggles: $20.26.

Baking mix to make brownies to ease your romantic sorrow: $3.19.

Moleskine journal to document all your angst: $29.90.

Having the boy of your dreams show up at your door to ask you out unexpectedly: priceless.

word vomit

"i still like him a lot."
i say this like i'm expecting her
to be surprised, even though
she's my ex-girlfriend so she knows
exaaaaactly how long it takes for me
to evict illegal inhabitants
from my harrowed heart.

she smiles because she knows i'm
pathetic & i can't help it
& maybe she remembers (warmly?)
the quiet excitement of that time so long ago when
she was the bad habit i just couldn't kick.

it's tricky business spilling angst
to an ex whose eyes still kinda sorta
mean something. it stings a little
retelling emergencies to a face that still
sets off soft alarms in my head.

as if i can
help it,
though.

November 2009

I talked to her for the first time tonight. She really likes me. She's not a mind-games girl.

How do you tll someone you think they're wonderful?
That you think you really like them back?

That you think about that almost constantly - that you wish they were sitting next to you right now.

That when you talked bout heartburn it was about them - her.

She's beautiful. I want her.

Encounters of the Adorably Awkward Kind

(Two months ago, I wrote this as a fictional introductory piece for a creative writing course. Ultimately I concluded that I hated it, & ended up submitting a poem instead. Now that I come back to it, & am no longer interested in the person I wrote it about, it actually seems kinda cute, & only a little bit crap.)

“Um… So, tell me about yourself!” he chirped, a little too cheerfully. “I mean, I know you do improv, obviously, but… what else do you do?”

I giggled nervously and readjusted myself in my seat. “I play music. Guitar, piano, ukulele, singing, writing my own songs… And I like to hula hoop, and write…”

“Do you write about me?” he asked, and suddenly my body filled with guilt as I realized it was a serious question.

I sipped my latte to stall for time. “I write about everyone in my life. It’s not a big deal. I don’t write anything bad about you. I mean, obviously I think you’re pretty great, so…” Another unattractive nervous laugh. This was not going well. “Uh, you tell me about yourself now!” Smooth.

He looked so cute. It was extremely difficult to listen because I was too busy staring. I nodded periodically to make sure he felt I was keeping up, but mostly I was thinking back to the terror I’d experienced when, a week before, I’d finally gathered the courage to march up to him and ask him if he’d maybe, um, I dunno, like to get, like, a coffee or something sometime, or whatever. And he’d said yes. Simple, like it was nothing. And here we were.

“That’s so interesting. You’re so interesting,” I replied enthusiastically. I meant it, even though I hadn’t heard a word. I mean, there’s a reason I asked him out, other than his obvious physical charms.

He took a big bite out of his espresso-flavoured brownie and I glanced surreptitiously at the clock. A few long seconds ticked by.

“So… Are you my girlfriend now?”

My stomach pretty much fell to the bottom of my abdominal cavity. I swallowed. “Uh. Do you want me to be?”

Just as he went to speak, more words poured unstoppably out of my mouth: “Because I’d be into that. But only if you are. I mean, I know we’re both super busy. So I don’t know if it’s for sure the best idea. Even though I want to. I guess. Do you?”

“Yes.”

And just like that, my lungs filled up with happy and my blood was pumping happy and my pores were dripping happy. It hurt to breathe and all I could do was smile, and then I started to laugh, and then so did he, and it was, hands down, the best date I’ve ever been on.

three little poems about the same person

1. disorienting

oh funny freak i find you sooooo
disorienting & you don't even know it.
that eye contact you thought was
nothing? it was so much. those few
words you thought were empty? they were
overflowing with meaning - for me.
mid-conversation i spot you peripherally
& i'm gone. my sentence ends whether it was
finished or not. that's your effect on me.
i hope you know. i hope you never know.
i hope you feel it too even if i
know you don't. i hope you
feel it too. i hope. i
feel.

2. something terribly interesting

you walk by
& i
pretend to do
something terribly interesting
so you won't know
that what really interests me
is (of course) you

3. haircuts help my heart to heal

(so far) every time someone
has bruised, broken or betrayed
my little heart, i've spent a day & a night
swaddled in bedsheets & dripping in tears,
& the next time i saw
the criminal in question,
they'd changed their hair
(colors, cuts - why?)
& it looked so different
it was hard to imagine
they were the same
person i'd been so
affixed on
for so damn long.

Guest Profile: Arena

My name is... Arena, Thommie, Creature, That Weird Girl Who Sits Behind Me In Math... I'm known to respond to pretty much everything.

I indentify as... Bisexual.

I am attracted to... Humans. Especially the Ellen Page kind.

As for hobbies/interests... I love reading, acting, flirting, writing poetry and prose, singing my heart out, sending emails that no one will ever read, chairing my school's GSA, avidly reading PostSecrets and avidly sending in secrets of my own.

I usually hang around... Kabbyo's basement, bookstores, my school's art hall, Katherine's kitchen, the library, the library, Black Market, Alice's bedroom, Criminal Records, Mr Beans, and - although very rarely - my own home.

About my future... It's sort of undecided because my plans shift constantly. Currently, I have a desperate longing to go to U of T for Sexual Diversity Studies, After that, I plan on living in New York for a year because of an Allan Rickman pact I made when I was thirteen. I think after that I'd like to live in the village and hopefully get a job in queer rights activism.

10 adjectives to describe me... Awkward, Nostalgic, Nervous, inquisitive, Romantic, Capricious, Nosy, Humble, Zealous, and Childish.

sometimes i am ugly

sometimes i have dreams where
my teeth are crooked & my
skin crumples like old paper & my eyes
sink into my skull &
i am as ugly as you
make me feel;

sometimes i shuffle around the house
in old sweaters & sagging pants
& i can't remember that i could ever have been
a blushing beauty queen
in pink & green taffeta ruffles;

sometimes i see you walking by
eyes apprising a prettier girl than i
with her thin arms & flat belly &
simple, nonconfrontational curvature
so boring but i can tell you
are loving it;

sometimes i sit by the window
away from the mirror
& pretend all the birds & swaying trees
are my face, my hips
my smile...

Things to be grateful for

(I make a gratitude list at the end of every day. Here are some of my favorite items from the lists made over the past two months.)

insane, stomach-scrambling, hopeful nervousness

allowing myself to experience pure untainted joy

pretty gay boys who awkwardly compliment me

excessively physical improv games

eye contact from across the room (or closer)

waking up slowly, gradually, & lazily with the help of music & sunlight

Dustin Hoffman

having a clean creative space

men who roll up the sleeves of their formal shirts

playing chess with my best friend in her hippietastic living room while blasting Fleet Foxes

elaborate kissing fantasies

meditating on the roof

singing in the shower

moving forward

Sex Matters by Osho, which is fascinating

optimism springing eternal

cashmere sweaters

waiting at bus stops in brisk, early autumn weather

the phrase "go steady with me"

feeling like a part of a whole

the realization that more enthusiasm is always better

people who don't know that their hair is sticking up

making funny people laugh

giving people silly nicknames (e.g. "Sexy Irish Boy")

noticing that cute people are watching me

prattling on about The Boy to anyone who'll listen

improv improv improv improv forever

independent pizzerias

silently sitting really really close

big toothy childish grins

intellectual debates on the subway

laughing so hard I start to cry & can't breathe

the all-consuming bliss of unity

people who say, "Tell me everything"

chocolate peanut butter ice cream

unabashed vulva worship

the ways in which we all inspire one another

moments where I realize that something I previously considered a hindrance is now a blessing

nervous laughter

walking home in the dark holding a teddy bear

when other people's happiness rubs off on me

smelling so awesome I make myself swoon a little

pizza

freaky universal serendipity

whimsical typography

channeling nervous energy into something great

if sex were as simple...

if sex were as simple
as seeking & finding & fucking
& leaving & living & dying
then life would be less
& i wouldn't worry
or wonder what might have been.

but it's not that simple:
it's yearning & wanting & crying
& finding & losing & lying
& hoping & begging & wishing
& fucking & touching & kissing
& losing & hurting & meeting
& stabbing & yelling & cheating
& all this expected, protected
by standards so solid that no one remembers
what love & sex mean
when they're all by themselves
with no hectic pressure -
just primitive pleasure.

so seeking & finding & fucking
& leaving & living & dying
is honest, is simple, is better
than making these messes together.

The Truth:

When I consciously like someone, when I stick them with the label "crush," & define them as such & talk about them as such & tell other people that this is what they are to me, I mess something up in the chemistry & rhythm of our building budding relationship. I make myself act nervous around them because now every encounter must count, every word or glance exchanged must mean something dreadfully important. This disrupts the formerly effortless flow of whatever could happen next.

This is not to say that I shouldn't flirt, or admit that I like someone (to myself, friends, even the person in question), or picture myself dating them or whatever. But I should avoid putting all my eggs in one basket. I shouldn't rely on just one person for all my romantic euphoria. It's not fair to me, because it means I have to work harder to meet the daily love-rush quota I crave, & it's not fair to them, because it puts a lot of silent pressure on them to reciprocate when they might not. So if I spread myself out, not fixating on one person but allowing multiple people to make me infinitely romantically gleeful, I can have much more fun during these periods of coasting between serious interests.

miscellaneous crushsick haikus

hurt-me-boy: heart thief,
improv'er extraordinaire,
catalyst of joy.

i miss kissing like
an old friend i never quite
got to know fully.

the love in my heart
bursts, screeches, spins, flies, adores
you, you, you, & you.

optimistic girl
ventures blindly into him,
knowing it will hurt.

i trust him not to
hurt me anymore. i trust
me not to hurt me.

all the love on earth
percolates through my body
for you, only you.

i dream of waking
next to you, my favorite
goofy grey-eyed boy.

hungry for your eyes,
always. look at me, cutie.
that's all i need now.

all the world conspires
to bring what i want to me.
it's coming; just trust.

(i was inspired to
write most of these by mr.
tyler knott's haikus.)

a flawed epiphany about unconventional beauty

he said he wasn't
attracted to me. it hurt, i admit.
i did that girly cliché of staring
in the mirror pulling at skin
& peering at pores. there is so much
that can be wrong with a girl, & he made
the wrongs seem heavier, bigger.

but truth always comes when we listen to
our own deepest words, sentiments
that speak quiet but persistent. & when i
took the time to listen, i heard
what i already knew:
i am exquisite,
i am enchanting,
i am attractive,
but only to the wise.

& ultimately, this
is the best kind of attractive
to be.

heart burn

When I miss you, it feels like acid in my lungs. It feels like my blood is poison and this insatiable urge fills every hair on my body, every capillary. When I stay up all night all I feel is frantic to see you because once I do, the toxin will spill out.

Delete

Ever felt like this? I did today.



Your number's in my phone
I can't delete it, no
Your face is in my head
I wish that I was dead
I can't delete you, no

Love isn't easy, love isn't fun
Love cannot be for everyone
Your words can make me feel obsolete
It would be so easy to press delete

Your number's in my phone
I can't delete it, no
Your laugh rings in my ears
& beckons for the tears
I can't delete you, no

It's not that simple to say farewell
When I am still waiting for more of this hell
It's not that easy to chuck it all
When I am still waiting for you to call

I'm looking at the screen
Remembering you were mean
I go to press delete
Remembering you were sweet
Your number's in my phone
I tried, but don't you fret
I can't delete you yet

Possible lesson to be learned from last night

"Don't get your hopes up."

When I want something (or someone), I like to take the attitude that I am GOING TO get it. I visualize having it, I feel how it would feel to have it, I try to start acting like I've already got it. This is not only based on the Law of Attraction, but also just good common sense - you'll be more likely to get something if you've prepared enough to know how to deal when you do get it.

As a result of this mentality (e.g. referring to objects of affection as my "future boy/girlfriend," for one thing), I get the occasional negative person telling me not to "get my hopes up."

Personally I think this is bullshit. Obviously you should listen to your gut, so if it feels like you're definitely not going to get this thing, then you probably don't really want it anyway, & should walk away. But if you really, truly want it, & feel on a fairly regular basis that it is, in fact, within your grasp, get your fucking hopes up! If you get what you want (& you probably will), it will feel super fucking amazing - & if you don't, you'll come crashing down in a fabulous, dramatic blaze of glory! Emotion is always better than nothing at all, especially for creative artist-types, as much as you might try to deny it.

If it doesn't work out, write a song. Paint something. Eat some chocolate. Scribble on a piece of paper, then crumple it up & throw it across the room. Get in the shower & do some loud & vigorous EFT. Pop a couple 5-HTP capsules. Reach out to people who'll make you feel better. Buy yourself some flowers. Publish melodramatic blog posts or tweets (see here, here, & the very page you're on right now!). Punch a pillow. Take a walk. Spend the whole day in bed. Listen to music you love on a loop (soundtrack of my sad day today: Music For Tourists by Chris Garneau). Spend time in front of a mirror, either telling yourself you love you, or swearing an incoherent blue streak. Put on huge scarves & mittens to insulate yourself from the world. Cuddle a small animal (stuffed or real). Wear a wig. Take MySpace-angle photos of your tortured artist self. Tell yourself a dozen million times how awesome you are, in as many places, wordings, silly voices, & different outfits as you possibly can. Basically, OWN YOUR MISERY, then kick it in the face & send it packing.

No one can make you do or be anything you don't want to... & that includes emotions. Who the fuck says you have to be sad, angry, frustrated, humiliated, or anything else? You're the only one who can choose to be that way. & I say, if you choose to be miserable, do it big, allow it to inspire you in explosive ways, document the results to review in happier times, & then go do something else. Know, always, that you are loved, & that this too shall pass.

Terror

I have an elaborate, gimmicky, yet cute romantic confession planned for two days from now.
(I'll be able to give you more details on the actual plan after it's been put into action.)
The thing is, my brain & heart have been overtaken by an all-encompassing fear that it's not going to work out.
I'm trying to push through it, since all the things I love most in my life were the product of some kind of enormous risk... but it's hard.
We shall see.

Sonnet for S.

When first I saw your small, expressive face,
I knew it was to be a great romance.
Rebelled against my given social place,
And asked you, sweetly, meekly, to the dance.
And so we went; my crush grew through the spring.
You brought me roses; I began to fall.
I’d heard that love was such a fickle thing
But I could scarcely feel the slightest squall.
Then when, in autumn, you did subtly stray,
I took the high road, trying to forgive –
But you were mean, and made my world turn grey;
That winter was as long as love would live.
And so it was: a year from lust to rust,
Where love goes ash to ash and dust to dust.

three-way date

brought together through music we were
a trio who could not would not
cease to sing. made toonies by the handful
on a gently indifferent street corner
in the middle of the
city. you were so beautiful
in the light of the lamp bringing me back to
the old days of falling in love with voices
and loveliness and love. and you
and he and i made a team so stunning
that policemen stopped on their beats
and chose not to ticket
the unauthorized busking band.

when night came and you liked him and
he liked me and i liked him and you and
we liked each other best, we ordered
three hot chocolates in the shop across the
street and shared a few silent warm moments
where there was only the triangular forcefield
making its message clear: this is
a three-way date, something you've never done
before and probably will never do again.
split your smile three paths in an elegant fork
and see it verge on merging, then merge
in the form of a song
that makes us more money the more we play.

each of us has both an instrument to wail on
and some love to pass on. we are not stingy
with our tender donations to this
band-becoming-something-else-something-more.
passersby can see the chemistry
forming in the clouds made by our hot breath
on the cold air. fingerless mittens and
out-of-tune strings. make this never stop.
make this never cease. make this never
end.

hey, i like you

when i smile i smile with all my might
when i touch i touch with all my soul
when i laugh i laugh because it's funny
when i'm with you i notice i feel whole

when you wake up, do you think of me?
am i in your dreams when you're asleep?
i'm so damn shy i can't just ask you out
i send the signals but i do not make a peep

is that okay? are you confused?
when you go away, is it because you're bruised?

one of these days i'm gonna march right up
& say "hey, i like you - do you wanna go out sometime?"

why is that so hard? it should be so easy
i overanalyze every little thing
now i know that eye contact can be the devil's tool
& every time we do, i feel a ZING

one of these days i'm gonna march right up
& say "hey, i like you - do you wanna go out sometime?"

love ain't free, i know that now
you gotta risk to make it happen
love ain't cheap, i see that now
i took a risk, & look what happened

i'm so happy that i marched right up
& said, "hey, i like you - do you wanna go out sometime?"

Love letter

Dear __________,
Questions remain closed
but ready to be opened.
May I kiss you?
Would you like to go out sometime?
How do you feel about becoming my Boyfriend?
I tell dreamland stories
of tender embraces &
joint-custody journals.
One day I'll buy you
my favorite album & a
slice of pie & we'll
dance dance dance.
Candy, massages, photobooths,
impromptu public makeout sessions,
handholding without being asked,
chivalry without being told -
we'll do it all.
Thoughts become things but
these thoughts are particularly tricky.
I find myself floating away
from classes & mundane existence
to my reserved space between your
arms & your chest. So perfect.
I could be happy forever.
This is all I want.
Madly in like with you,
Kate

slowly look

dark chocolate eyes
drip sex & expectation
moony, solitary
slowly slowly slowly
i can't
look
away.

your beauty is entrapment,
dark hurricane skies,
but safe, &
slowly simply slowly
i can't look
long enough.

drink you in &
gasp with glee
manifesting deep,
slowly simply sweetly
strangling & stifling
i can't look
at you in public
(scared of my own crazed reactions)
but i do.

checklist of potential romantic awesomeness

IDEAL PARTNER QUALITIES

can (& does) make me laugh

as smart as, or smarter than, me

I feel like I can learn from them

gives me heart palpitations & stomach butterflies

has their own independent artsy projects

likes my music & doesn't mind me writing songs about them

good taste in music/movies/TV/books

positive/optimistic worldview

supportive of my endeavours

verbally & physically affectionate

appreciates my aesthetic efforts (clothes, makeup, etc.)

makes an effort/takes initiative

likes to go to plays, concerts, shows, etc.

can give & receive compliments

can give & receive material gifts

not self-important, but not self-deprecating

kind/sweet/nice

sociopolitically liberal/democratic

chivalrous/willing to make sacrifices/co-operative

listens to me!

verbally/emotionally expressive

not easily embarrassed

likes to cuddle/spoon/sleep in the same bed

has an interesting/unique way of thinking

keeps up with current events, or at least entertainment news

protects me/makes me feel safe

Autumn Romance

One of my friends told me that to fall into crushland & romances in the autumn (begone, Ataris) is only natural what with the fact that we're mammals & designed to procreate to make spring babies.

& I am no exception; in grade 9 right by labour day I went to a wakeboarding competition & kissed a boy I liked up until his lips kissed mine.

In grade 10 I had my first girl kiss (which you've heard about too much now) & my growing standard is already pretty high.

Last year I had a brief but dizzy relationship with a chimney (she smoked like one) in the growing cold. She teased me about wearing tights & canvas shoes in late October weather when my teeth chattered then lent me her smoky pashmina. We kissed in the leaves behind bushes & in ravines where we could be secretive. She never gave me any speech about breaking up just started ignoring me then she went on to date another friend of mine & they are still happily together (living together, actually). I'm happy for them & I still tease her about anything that comes to mind.

On Halloween I had a heartfelt encounter with an unavailable girl who subsequently shacked up with me soon after. A lot of boundaries were crossed & eventually a 2.5 month thing dissolved when she couldn't stand certain flirtatious aspects of my character. She dated an enemy & stopped speaking to me. We have reconciled but I can't bring myself to look her in the eye.

Now the last crush I've had was in July & there are no new prospects. Where is my autumn romance?

O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm: a haiku review

arguably, our
orgasms are our most strange
physiology.

who knew they had a
history? well, of course they
must. so i read this.

the author's thesis:
testosterone can drive us
to some crazy shit.

from prehistoric
cavemen to victorian
prudes, sex remains big.

different cultures
have different sex beliefs
that seem odd to us.

furthermore, fuck off
if you still think women have
less sex drive! bullshit.

reading this convinced
me that men invent stories
to conceal failure.

please buy this book now!
it is bold, innovative,
& very saucy. ;)

Improv Has Become My Aphrodisiac

Lately I've been really really into improv.

I mean, I took the course last year, & that's when & how I got good at it, but if that was sticking my toe into the puddle, what I'm doing now is a massive splashy cannonball into the lake of improvisational theatre.

How does this relate to sexuality & relationships, you might ask?

Well, for one thing, basically all the boys who do improv are unreasonably cute. I don't know why this is. It's one of the great mysteries of my life so far, not that I'm complaining (oh boy, am I not complaining).

Secondly, beyond being physically attractive to an often freakish degree, a lot of, if not all skilled improvisors possess all of the following qualities: intelligence, fabulous humour, a deep sense of empathy, & excellent listening skills.

So imagine a room full of adorable people with all those attributes... & me, a part of the circle like everyone else, feeling totally & completely at home in a sea of loveliness.

Now, obviously I'm not just doing improv for the cuteness. In fact, prospective seductees are about eighth or ninth on my list of Why I Am So Fucking In Love With Improv I Can Hardly Breathe When I Think About It. But certainly, it's an advantage. Maybe you should consider paying a visit to your local improvisational theatre (or moving to Chicago).

Minor romantic update

This week I am going on a date. It'll be my first real one in almost two years. And she asked me, so I don't even have anything to feel insecure about. I feel blissfully calm, but at the same time, slightly panicked with nervousness. I think that's how you're supposed to feel at times like these.

When I'm romantically uninvolved, my bisexuality feels uncomfortable, like a shirt that's too tight in the midsection but too loose in the sleeves. The word "but" fills my sentences with self-justification & overexplanation: "Yeah, he's cute, but I still like girls too." "Wow, she's gorgeous... but I'm not gay!" I feel overburdened with the immense bothness of me, the vast expanses over which my sexuality can stretch. I feel like people don't believe me when I tell them who I am - & that's one of the scariest feelings I know.

When I'm dating someone, I feel so much more resolute, finally possessing the ability to say "I have a girlfriend" without exaggeratedly staring at guys, or "I have a boyfriend" without slathering myself in rainbow garb. I'm so focused on that one person that I don't feel the need to advertise my availability to the other sex (or to anyone, for that matter). I no longer have to act bisexual - I just am, but I'm so smitten that my other attractions settle onto the backburner & my crazy fears are quieted.

I'm just going on a date - not sipping sodas with a steady, not breaking out the U-Haul, not getting down on one knee - but I can already feel that romantic comfort & confidence settling into my bones. It feels good.

Journal bits from the past couple months

June 26th
I realized that yesterday, I was flirting with _____ on the phone. A lot. Talking about bras, love letters, etc. The thing is, I don't know how to flirt. I can't turn it on & off. These suggestive comments just crop up in my queue of things to say, & conversations move so quickly that I have to keep running with whatever I've got. She didn't seem bothered by it, but she didn't flirt back or anything, as much as I sometimes wish she would (it's a self-esteem thing, not an I-like-her thing, don't worry).

July 7th
What is it about me that makes me so much more attractive to girls than to guys?! Specifically, girly girls, in whom I rarely have any interest? It's flattering, but frustrating. I would say I need to make some changes to myself to optimize the people I attract, but I'm really, truly happy with myself at this point in my life (body, style, personality, values/opinions, manners/mannerisms, etc.) so I hesitate to make any major alterations.

July 12th
I made a little chart of all the adjectives I'd use to describe all the people I've ever liked, & the top contenders were: cute, funny, smart, good taste in music, pale, talented, open. That's kind of boring & predictable. Ohhhh well.

July 21st
Most beautiful dyke of my life on the subway. Cropped platinum blonde hair, GORGEOUS face, olive cargo shorts, white sneakers, pink lilies in lap, reading Nerve: Literate Smut. I practically stared my eyeballs out of their sockets. Good gracious.

July 27th
If you're gonna chill with Joey, Jeffy, or Johnny
You don't want a cotton-dried punani
So put away your tampons & your pads
'Cause all they do is make your pussy sad

Turn to something fresh & something new
I love it, & you're gonna love it too
Stick it in - slightly back & up
Now pledge your allegiance to the Diva Cup

August 17th
Elizabeth Gips on orgasm: "Male & female are one body that is no body in the time before time when God/me gave birth, created itself. An orgasm beyond orgasm that shakes loose streams of energy which become space, stars, planets, trees, bugs & people. RAPTURE. Am God, energy or whatever, me/you/they. Everything. Created creator."

August 18th
I've been reading this book, O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm by Jonathan Margolis. It's fascinating. I've learned so much. For example, as I've always suspected & felt, queer tendencies come much more naturally to many more people than the religious institutions would have us believe. Countless cultures throughout the world embrace gay sex & intimacy as a natural part of life. One of the most interesting cultures was on an island near New Guinea. Young boys from the age of ten will fellate an older man every day, so as to absorb the virility & fertility of their mentor. (You can't make this stuff up.) If not for the fact that they disdain cunnilingus, I would totally love that culture.

August 22nd
I am currently wearing a bikini in public, for the first time in my life. I always used to have this deathly fear that people would (gasp) see my stomach, which bulges a little, or my ass, which is not flat, or whatever. But firstly, hardly anyone actually cares or even notices whether my body is perfect or not, & secondly, why should I care what they think anyhow? Like Dr Seuss says, those who matter don't mind, & those who mind don't matter. It's as simple as that.

I used to think...

misc. journal entries ranging from October 2008 - January 2009

1) That which happened the other night (December 4, 2008) had so many facets. I used to think of a line, or at least a parabola on the page; but seeing it happen made it seem more like a line that juts from the page in a upward diagonal then - as a paint drop in a pool of water - rays out to envelop everything.

2) The recent change in me has come less from myself or from what the recent act inspired than my expectations on how it would change me. I am sadder at the moment for my knowledge gleaned , however sparse or dense it may turn out to be.

3) She is a different person when fitted with bedroom eyes. More hungry, less human. Not the girl I like. Just an empty animal stamp

4) Open windows are such a distraction.

5) you would have laughed at the Vagina Monologues but at least have held my hand through it & kissed me in the cold afterward to keep me warm.

6) (received HB message) "you're everything I'm not, someone wake me up. You leave me speechless, I could get used to this."

7) When you look at me I miss you so much

8) Los Angeles, killer queen. You're a world away so full of pollution , this close to falling into the ocean. But by day you're sparkling & full of rays bouncing from the lenses in Hollywood training toward the descending haze in the sky. Talk about heat.

9) "I don't want to be stuck in a catfight."
"I don't want you to have to be."

10) I like how you willingly switch the direction you're walking in & match your gait to mine.
I love your glasses.
I like how you open your arms when we're still 4 feet apart.
I love running into you.
I like you telling me little things about yourself.
I love your smile.
I love finally knowing you.

Sex On The Net

I just want to point out a couple of cool things that have recently happened in the world of Canadian-based sexuality websites.

Our favorite ladies over at the Red Tent Sisters shop have finessed their website & it looks absolutely beautiful. The website now has a ton of relevant information about the products, workshops, services, classes & events that Red Tent provides. If you live in Toronto (& even if you don't), you should check out the site because it is attractive & informative.

The Red Tent ladies have also started up another web project: EcoSex.ca. This is a dream-come-true resource for the eco-conscious sex-positive gal or fella. You can buy a number of eco-friendly sex products online, from toys to lubes to contraception aids to fertility books (& that's just the beginning). In addition (& perhaps even better), if you click on "Ask an EcoSexpert," you'll find extremely informative answers to common questions that come up when investigating how to have eco-conscious sex. I'm very happy with this resource & I think there needs to be way more like it on the web.

Hope you enjoyed these website recommendations. If you dig, check out the Red Tent Sisters Amy & Kim on Twitter, read their fabulous blog, or just come on down & see them at Danforth & Jones. (No, I am not in any way affiliated with RTS, nor did they in any way solicit me to write this!)

Video interview with Max

Click To Play

An interview with my brother, regarding his thoughts on sexuality, gender, homophobia in young people, etc. For a 14-year-old, he's a really, really smart kid.

Photos: Pride 2009!

in public

We're on the subway. Well, you are, but I'm not really there. Maybe you're talking about an exam, maybe I am staring at your eyes, but I'm not really there.
We're walking down Bloor, or, you are, but I'm not really there.
I'm floating in my head somewhere, too hot to touch, too paranoid to come out. You try to hold my hand, but it's like a stone. You try kissing me but I turn away. I'm watching the buisness man watching me. I'm watching people watching him watching me. I'm watching you paying attention to me, not them. I'm watching them watch you watching me.
I'm afraid to turn down a residential street away from crowds. I'm afraid to be seen touching you. I'm afraid for you, I'm afraid for me.
We're in a park. Well, you are, but I'm not really there. I'm watching a boy & a girl hold hands & kiss several feet away, wishing that I could do the same, wishing I didn't have to be afraid of loving you where others can see.
I'm afraid of being followed, of being called out, of being kicked, because I'm a girl, loving a girl in plain sight.

QSA 4 LYFE

So it looks like us Muskequeers will be running our school's Queer-Straight Alliance next year!
We are so delighted to have been presented with this opportunity.

We've talked over a few ideas for possible meetings & events - discussing local queer events & protests, bringing in guest artists, & of course planning our usual QSA events like the Unity Conference & the Day of Silence.

What would you want your QSA to do or discuss? (We'll particularly value your suggestions if you actually go to our school, but any ideas will be helpful.)

A Sinner's Plea

My new song about same-sex marriage.
The lyrics are in the video description.
This one is very important & precious to me.
I hope you like it.

Dear Sexy Boys in my Life

Dear sexy boys in my life,

If you think "oh she's a dyke, she'd never go for me..." then you are probably WRONG.
Because of late, all I can do is check out boys. I don't know why, & I don't care why, I just want you all to know that if you are a boy, & I know you, then I have probably admired your ass many a time in recent weeks. Especially if you are Cayenne, Caen, or Tira. (Yay for codenames!)

Much much love,
Cadence the Omnisexual Polyamourous Femmy Boy-lover.

ps. But no facial hair. I will not tolerate facial hair. Eew.

In your FACE, conventional society!

Just when my quantity of girlcrushes was getting up to "you might want to think about calling yourself a lesbian there, girlie" status...
I develop a killer, ass-kicking, unmistakeable, undeniable, romantisensual, totally real, genuine & true crush on a BOY!
(A biological boy, one who's not in turmoil about his gender, nor is he secretly a girl in any way, shape or form.)
And so, once again, I am at peace with my label.
Hallelujah. Amen.

one of those weird bisexual-specific things

...wherein i find myself attracted to a boy
because of the qualities in him
that make him like a girl.

well you're so damn beautiful with
arms that ought to go around me & only around
me. i've tried to convey "why can't
i have - " with my eyes but not much works.

pretty boys are all the rage in the flashing
trendmill that is my romantic mind. & so it goes.
my wanting, like the tides, is rushed & erratic
& pushing steadily until you get it.

talking til all hours about hair metal, nachos,
girlfriends & death. it seems you understand me
but, based on other things, i'd wager to say you're
just playing a role & i'm not fitting the script.

gay playlist

1. It's Raining Men - Geri Halliwell
2. Love Cliché - Bran Van 3000
3. Nineteen - Tegan & Sara
4. Highschool Confidential - Rough Trade
5. It's Okay to be Gay - Tomboy
6. Gay Boyfriend - Hazzards The
7. In or Out - Ani DiFranco
8. If You Should Try to Kiss Her - Dressy Bessy
9. Losing My Religion - REM
10. (anything by the Scissor Sisters)

feel free to add to this

ps. hmmm... http://www.fiql.com/playlists/thats_so_gay_nonheterocentric_playlist/

Butch Is A Noun by S. Bear Bergman: a haiku review

I know what butch is.
It is a noun; this book told
me so. It is true.

Butch is a profound
identity - no limits,
no rules, nothing's fixed.

Gender outlaws, you
have found the book you must read
(after Bornstein's works).

My favorite parts
are those which flatter femmes (of
course), making me blush.

Also made me blush?
The sexy parts. Whoa nellie.
Erotica bliss.

You will feel like you've
known Bear all your life & ze
"bears" hir soul to you.

I met Bear & ze
was the sweetest Jewish geek
butch I've ever known.

Butches, femmes, trans folks,
& friends of the above should
all savor this tome.

the fun in falling

I like your hair, your flair,
the way you can do anything
that's probably why,
by & by,
I'm finding myself slowly falling.

You have the loud laugh
you do the full mile, never only half
the sky shines into your eyes
& to my suprise
I'm finding myself slowly falling.

oh my g-d

So on a slight tangent

Today me & my dearest Finny (Chavery) went on a photoshoot rendezvous in the heart of downtown Toronto, where acceptance levels are high & the churches have even lent a helping hand to the queer community. Originally, the plan was to find a decrepit church or abandoned building & to have her in her old ballet getup. But, we got sidetracked & would up in the Eaton Center, right next door to my old church where one of my moms met her partner (before converting to Judaism) & my godfather still reads the narrator lines for the oldest Christmas play in the GTA (113 years running?). The Holy Trinity has a pride parade car float that I rode upon as a child, & when we came in an exceptionally nice (exceptionally gay) man gave us a warm welcome & a minitour. We asked permission to shoot a roll of film & he was all for it. He even said "If I had known the National Ballet would be stopping by I would have cleaned up a bit!". So with this encouragement we continued on our merry way. As Chaves was lighting up a prayer candle for my camera, an old homeless man walked into the church, shouting imperceptible things. As he drew nearer with his accusatory finger, my stomach gave a lurch, he was shouting out our disrespect in the House of the Lord, & what the fuck was this disgraceful whore doing in this getup, etc... The nice man tried telling him that all was well but he raged, gave us a fright & all but chased us from the threshold. He hadn't even meant to pray bcause he chased us right out, we weren't making noise, a fuss, or disturbing him. He shouted at us from across the church courtyard, maybe, maybe not noticing Chaves' rainbow satchel.
I'm an atheist. I can't imagine anything existing beyond whatever this is, I believe we rot etc...
I'm posing a question for you, readers. Where do we cross the line? Would a school photoshoot in a leotard, tights & pointe shoes be pushing your tolerance limits? & Where do we gays fit into the religious circle?
Awaiting your opinions,
No disrespect,
Lovely day,
-Cadence Lee

genderlabel

What's yours?

When I chose for it to say "my sexuality is" as opposed to "my identity is" or what have you, I forgot that one of the labels was "cat lover." So, never fear - I am not a beastiality fan. :P

codewords (2)

of the day: Celebration

Meaning: Masturbation.

Enjoy. :)

I'm flattered you think so, but actually, no.

Dear readers, I pose a question to you:
What does it mean to "seem gay"?

I ask because I've been told repeatedly that I do, in fact, seem gay, but few people are able to tell me why. Here are some of the attempts at explanations I've received in the past:
"You are just one of those girls who is not gay but destined to be hit on by girls all their lives."
"Maybe it's all the bright colors you wear? You do seem to really like rainbows."
"You're so involved with the queer community, I just assumed!"

To which my rebuttals usually go something like:
(whiny voice) "But whyyyy?!?"
"Aren't I allowed to like bright colors? It's an aesthetic thing, not a sexual thing."
"Well of course I'm involved in the queer community! I'm bisexual, & 80% of my friends are queer!"

I have no shame surrounding my sexuality. I just don't want males to write me off as a lesbian, especially if I like them, because it limits me, & that is scary. Just as a well-rounded hetero man wants to date both blonde & brunette ladies in his lifetime, a well-rounded bi chick like myself wants to date both men & women in hers.

Many homosexuals, especially femme lesbians, have issues communicating their gayness to the outside world because they simply don't "read as" gay. But what about me, the Kinsey-2 who never seems to "read as" straight, even when she wants to?

I don't know what any of this means, but I'd really like it if one day I figured out the answer to my initial question: Why do I "seem gay"?

Guest profile: Emily

My name is... Emily K

I identify as... bisexual

I am attracted to... a variety of people from cute little femmes to androgynous dykes to tall dark & handsome guys. Also, mysterious, slightly intimidating & humorous personalities. And Blake Lively - drooooool.

As for hobbies/interests... I've liked playing & watching hockey for like 10 years now. But otherwise, piano, composing, drama, vocal, musical theatre, writing, practicing being sneaky, photography, filmmaking (!!!), simple arts and crafts, co-running tech crew and eating sushi.



I usually hang around... What? People or places? For people obviously my enormously dorky group of friends. As for places, school, home, the auditorium (takes a huge part of my life), The Green Beanery cafe, Sobeys and Sonic Boom!

About my future... Well I'm preparing to apply to the universities: Ryerson, Ottawa, Carleton and Queens for English and journalism. Hopefully I'll be able to get a BA or BJourn then move on to a Masters or become a writer or teacher! Yep.

10 adjectives to describe me... Funny (I hope?), musical, sarcastic, realistic, logical, smart, romantic, sneaky, thoughtful, and annoying (yes, very).

codelanguage

The dynamic in the group of muskequeers is generally lighthearted, making fun of one another, talk of obsession, etc...
In order to move under the radar when in public (while still being secretly boisterous) & discussing inappropriate subjects, we have developed a secret code, starting with food.

Word of the day:

Cooking (Sex)

ex. "Some cooking went down last night."

Guest profile: Mishi

Mishi has been my best friend for over 10 years now. As soon as this blog came into being, I knew I wanted to feature her on it.



My name is... Mishi.

I identify as... femme bisexual.

I am attracted to... androgynous girls and sophisticated boys. I'm also a sucker for dark hair and glasses. Some of my biggest film crushes were Rhett Butler (Gone with the Wind), Aragorn (Lord of the Rings) and Dimitri (Anastasia, and the only cartoon boy on this list!). I don't have a lot of female film crushes. Most of the girls I like exist in real life.



As for hobbies/interests... I am a huge reader. I love stage combat, wrestling, fashion. I like classic clothing and my favourite colour of the moment is pink. I like to write and draw, and take huge pleasure in art and literature in general. I also love to sing, dance and act. I'm also interested and involved in living an environmentally sustainable lifestyle.

I usually hang around... a few choice cafes, parks and bookstores.

About my future... I don't know exactly what I want to do as a career yet, but my interests provide me with lots of different options. I might like to go into French and English literature, as well as performing.



10 adjectives to describe me... Organized, positive, vibrant, enthusiastic, loving, passionate, poised, pensive, playful, and valiant.

Marc Shaiman: "God Made Me Gay"

I love Marc Shaiman & his work. This video expresses so much of what I want to tell the world about sexual orientation & how non-hetero sexualities can coexist peacefully with religion, if people would only open their minds.



Thank you, Marc! ♥

On being a soup can

Timeline of queerness:

Grade 2: First crush (on a boy named Merric). I told Katherine one day across the table that I thought he was cute & she told Kassa & he yelled it to the whole room & Merric never talked to me again. But he didn't talk to me in the first place to no loss.

Grades 5 & 6: Devastating crushes on boys & bullying by catty girls who ended up telling the boys.

Grade 7: Crush on one boy ('Seal'), long & winding progress that led to nothing. He dated my best friend, Camille, & I lost them both at the same time.

Grade 9: Eager to join in on the bisexual vibe at our school, I labelled myself bi-curious even though I thought it was quite a lie. This is when I jokingly started staring at girls' butts as they walked up the stairs. Later that year, I tried on bi-sexual, tired of explaining what bi-curious meant.

Summer between 9/10: Out of nowhere, a rocket of obsession & curiosity for a girl came about. For once, I believed there was something queer about me, it was thrilling.

Grade 10: I started seeing things different ways. I started hanging out with Kate & Chavery part-way through (when they started to like my loser-ness). I got over the girl of the summer, I fell hard for another girl. My first kiss with a girl (the first one that had any meaning) was in November. I'm still not over that. Nothing ended up happening past that point. At some point or another I fell in love with Tegan Quin (ha ha, I am actually wearing this right now http://www.maplemusic.com/product.asp?dept%5Fid=32&pf%5Fid=30%2D158&lang=EN) & somewhere amidst that I started using Lesbian for a label.

Grade 11 -> now: This year has been uneventful in terms of labelling, I have only changed it once. I identify as a dyke if I have to choose something, but there are exceptions. Exceptions like Cayenne & Caen, the two boys in the circle of my affection. Both of whom smiled at me today.
I find I am initially attracted to a girl, to her body. Then to her personality, or else it goes nowhere just falls flat. If I go for a boy, I'm going to fall for effeminate ones, first for their personality, then if or when it progresses, I'll get attracted to their body. It just happens.

So that's my label, that's the journey of it. If anyone remembers something I forgot, some stage along the way, please point it out.
& don't try labelling me bisexual or anything like that. I don't feel like a bisexual, as far as I'm concerned this here is a dyke.
(also, I'm desperately single. aah.)

Reclaiming Hickeys: A Personal Battle

UrbanDictionary defines "hickey" thus:
"White trash love bite. Just about the trashiest accessory a female could possibly wear."

I am on a mission to make our society abandon its hatred of hickeys.

Why are we so afraid of displays of love & affection? Why does it make us so uncomfortable to witness signs that someone has been engaging in sexual/romantic activity?

I think it's because so many of us are insecure in our relationships, or disappointed with our lack thereof, & so it pains us to look at people who are visibly in the throes of passion. A hickey is an obvious reminder that the person who wears it is, if not loved, then at least cared about enough to be branded as someone else's.

When I get a hickey I feel special, loved, appreciated, wanted. I don't feel ashamed about wearing it proudly. This is a controversial statement, I know, but I almost feel that a hickey is like a low-grade version of an engagement ring. It says, I belong to someone. & it's perfectly gorgeous in my books.

Queer street fashion

I'd like to eventually make queer street fashion a regular part of this blog, because I feel that outward presentation of sexuality and gender identity is fascinating and unique for everyone. Here are a few shots I took at last year's Pride Parade & Dyke March - you can click on them to see them larger.


I love this woman's adventurousness with color, all her many necklaces, her cool hippie vibe, her dog's matching collar, & the fact that she's kind of "dressing young" without looking unnatural at all. Absolutely gorgeous.


I was totally blown away by this girl (in the lamé). I can't imagine ever being as brave or as awesome as she is. Rock on, grrl.


The girls & I started referring to this cutie as "the little drummer dyke." She led the Dyke March with her ballin' beats. I love her crazy spiky hair & the fact that she looks incredible even in such casual, understated clothes. Also, right after I took this, I went up to her & told her I loved her drumming, & she gave me the most charmingly shy "thank you" ever.


Love the sandals! & yet more gold lamé. & of course the hair! Swoon.

lips

a) I was around 8 when I had my first kiss. We'd gotten back from the pool & decided to play house, & I was put into the position of boyfriend. We were all girls, there were about 5 of us. One of the girls I didn't know was Daughter & I was picking her up for a date. She had been eating Gobstoppers on the way back from the pool & her mouth tasted sickly sweet.

b) The summer before grade 9 when I was still 13. My mom & her friend & I were on a road trip to film a wake boarding competition in the middle of nowhere slightly north of Niagara Falls. While there, I jumped into the river & cut myself open all over on zebra mussels. An older boy jumped in beside me & together we swam all the way down along the side of the river. He name was Mason & he was 17, tall, with blondish hair & many more experiences than my sheltered mind could comprehend. We talked all afternoon & ran around in the sun & I thoroughly enjoyed myself. At sunset we settled under a large beech tree with the dapples gold light falling between us. When his lips touched mine though, I was repulsed. Up until that point I had liked him. When we got back to the campsite I jumped into the pool to wash the taste & feel of him off of me.

c) I was in grade 10, she was in her fifth year. She was soft all over, that's one thing I remember, & she smelled like everything good & sweet in my world. When I kissed her, in the dark alcove leading into the darkroom, I felt like flames were jumping all over my body, spreading lust. I felt her lips on mine for the rest of the day & I'm still moderately upset for passing up a chance like that.

More...

Continuing Kate's reviews...

Come As You Are (701 Queen West, 416.504.7934)
pros:

• Lotsa fun little toys, books, strap on gear, etc...
• friendly staff who are willing to help you out
• breast binders! I bought one for a friend there, & it was her very first one. They made it painless, with a locking washroom & general helpfulness.
• my mama teaches workshops there.
• nice window displays. :)
• very accessible for people with disabilities

Cons:

• I haven't had enough time to look around to give a better analysis.

Condom Shack (231 Queen West, 416.596.7515)

pros:

• nice staff
• lots of condoms...
• probably the most accessible & widely known sex shop in the city

cons:

• annoyingly well-known, some would say
• neither a pro nor a con: mostly focusing on straight couples
• not very private, with all the hustle outside the door.
• small selection of lubes (thats all I really looked at while I was there) that were not all icky & chemical. Basically it was bad taste or yeast infection.

Toronto sex shops

Good For Her (175 Harbord Street, 416 588 0900)
Pros

Extensive selection of sex toys, accessories, books, movies, etc.

Friendly staff (including a transman who could make anyone blush, regardless of sexual orientation)

Comfortable atmosphere (they will offer you tea & water upon entering)

Lovely online store
Cons

Prices are usually higher than Red Tent

Staff are not always helpful or available

Red Tent Sisters (810 Danforth Avenue, 416 463 8368)
Pros

Extensive selection of sex toys, accessories, books, movies, etc.

Very friendly & helpful all-female staff

Comfortable atmosphere (we've loitered there for ages without feeling unwelcome)

Prices tend to be lower than GFH (& they always have a great bargain bin where you can score good stuff for under $20)

Also sells fertility, contraception, pregnancy, & menstrual products
Cons

Website is not as clear, & you cannot buy online

All things considered, I prefer Red Tent. Not by much, but I do prefer it.

A few photos: Pride 2008

Dyke March!
(We marched at the very front.)






Pride Prom!

Click here for more & bigger.

Why every school should have a Queer-Straight Alliance

Going to meetings can be a helpful deciding factor for fresh young potential queer kids who want to test out the waters of their possible new sexual orientation.

It is an open environment. As per the title, you don't have to be queer by any means in order to join. No person is forced to reveal how they identify, so it's a low-pressure, welcoming option for everyone.

Meetings can be great social events! This is especially true if you don't know the queer community in your school very well, & are seeking to get to know potential romantic interests.

The QSA transmits information about relevant events, conferences, protests, readings, workshops, etc. It keeps its members informed about anything in the area which might be of interest to them.

It offers members an opportunity to plug their queer projects (Cadence, Chavery & I just brought up this blog at a QSA meeting - hey there, new readers from our school!).

QSAs are capable of some of the more creative school fundraisers - bake sale with penis pastries & butch & femme cupcakes, anyone?

It opens up your mind, plain & simple. Last year, before I was even an official member, I went to a reading the QSA held with S Bear Bergman. I ended up loving what I heard, bought hir book immediately, & have read & reread it many times since. (Perhaps I will write a full review later...)

It's fun! I don't even like school clubs/organizations, but I have so much fun at QSA meetings.

Moral of the story: if your school doesn't have one, you should make one, stat!

MCS

When you see an acronym like MCS, you think of some incurable affliction, do you not? A terrible, drawn out suffering?
I'll say the first part is correct. Multiple Crush Syndrome is a serious condition, mostly resulting in an annoying amount of daydreaming, confusion, & jealousy from thy beloved. People affected by this syndrome are usually too wrapped up in checking people out & gushing over one person only to have another stroll into the room, that they lose track of all trains of thought & comprehension. Often in a day, they will pass by 10 previous & current admired people, & as each passes by they will inevitably sway a bit from reality, caught up in the moment. Imagine having all of your ex-lovers in a school where the population is under 1000 kids & you're still not over any of them. It's like that.
It's a long road to getting over, & part of it can only be helped by age & maturity. When you're older, you might decide to try commitment (to find it not satisfactory), but in some cases, the crushers will find themselves becoming Polyamorous. Sometimes, the creation of code-names will help ease the social stress of one potential lover (or current lover) walking into a room while you are gushing about them or another. Themes for code-names: Drinks, Cities, names that night seem to suit them, etc...

Life afterwards:
Great. Chances are 1/2 that you will turn out happy. If nothing else, you always have someone to think of on those coooold nights.

ps. I never seemed to have this problem when I was "straight"...

Something Different

This is a video that has only previously been released as part of a DVD of my concert at Heliconian Hall last year. (There is another one being held in a couple of months - click here for details if you're interested.) I wrote this song about coming out as bisexual - the story, the feelings, the aftermath. This video shows the first time I ever played it in public, which is how I came out to most of my family.



It was the middle of May & I was content just to be myself
Couldn't have paid me to spend a day as anybody else
Stepped out into the world - imagine my surprise:
I looked upon someone special with fresh eyes

It's hard to say these things out loud... but
She was a girl
I was shocked, I couldn't believe
& I thought: well, this is news to me

So I got right back on track, though I didn't know where I was supposed to go
She made me blush, she made me stutter - h-h-h-h-hello
I found out girls are different - they're a lot more free
It's not as much about the chase, or about my body (not that there's very much to see)

It's hard to say these things out loud... but
She was a girl
I was shocked, I couldn't believe
& I thought: what does she think of me?

I thought long & hard about what I should do
Maybe those little smiles meant she liked me too
So I took a chance & told her what I couldn't hide
Let me tell you, it was so exciting, I could've died

& she was a girl
Oh boy, was she a girl
& I learned something 'bout myself that I had never known before
Which is that boys & boys & boys & boys & more boys can get to be a bore
Sometimes I want something different than what I'm used to
& sometimes she is there & she is wanting me too

Bisexual Angst

I don't like the fact that I am bisexual.

Oh, goodness knows I love being queer. I love the scene, the people, the events, the movies, the books, the history, the struggle for equality, the art, the clubs, the implications. But more often than not, I think to myself: I wish I were a lesbian.

I don't know about other bisexuals, but I have many problems with this label. Here are a few of my gripes:

1. I constantly get defensive whenever anyone accuses me of being straight or gay. It terrifies me to think that anyone would assume either way, thereby cutting off my romantic/sexual options. I always feel like I'm balancing on a log which rolls one way or the other, trying desperately to keep myself perfectly poised in the middle. It would be so nice to be able to confidently say, "Yes, I'm straight," or "I'm gay," without having to tediously explain & justify the entire middle ground.

2. Often, bisexuals are not respected by the straight community or the gay community. Either they think we are doing it for attention/going through a phase, or they think we can't commit to a single relationship, or they think we're confused, or all of the above. (Admittedly, I am confused, but that doesn't mean I always will be - & most bisexuals aren't.)

3. Currently, I'd rather be in a romantic relationship with a man, but I'd rather be in a sexual relationship with a woman. Periodically, this switches. They hardly ever sync up. I find this supremely frustrating & confusing.

4. Katy Perry. 'Nough said.

5. I go through phases of liking mostly boys or mostly girls. It's extremely rare that I find myself interested in people from more than one gender at a time. This confuses me (that's nothing new, right?), but it also fills me with guilt because I feel like I'm proving all the bisexual stereotypes I hate so much.

Any other bi folks have similar or other complaints about this particular brand of queerness?

turning

every time I look over my shoulder to see what's at home, I realize that I am my mother. I AM her. People say that they're looking like their mothers, but here I am, with everything (EVERYTHING) the same.
we're cynical
we're of the same opinions on most things
we're photographers
we're queer
we are attracted to the same people
we dress somewhat the same
we act somewhat the same
we like the same food
we're both polyamorous
we have the same bodies (mine minus the same amount of stretch marks, thankfully)
we have the same faces (minus the fact that I have a cleft chin, green eyes & light brown hair to her round chin, hazel eyes & dark brown hair)
the business she runs/owns is the kind I would have if I had to be self-employed
people take us for sisters all the time & hit on us as a pair
or else they think we are lovers who look weirdly similar.

Can't I do anything that does not replicate her? She's incredible, I know, with her perseverance & life story but I'd like to live my own, thank you very much.
at 19 she became pregnant with me, became homeless, got thyroid disease, came out as a dyke, shaved her head (something I did last year...), dropped out of the army, etc.... she & my other mom got together when I was one then split when I was seven. She was hit by a car. She is now running a small business, writing a book, constantly going to physio, finding time to parent for every odd week, keeping 3 or more relationships going, etc...

So where does this leave a teenage delinquent like myself?
in a deep pit of "how the fuck am I going to live up to this."

dream girlfriend

a quirk of an eyebrow
displays the cynical wit
of a woman once fucked, twice shy.

small but controlling,
i tower over, submit to, want, touch, scream.

bought me something sparkly
that slips low & makes her smirk -
she's a tender fox with teeth that shred me
but get gentle on quick request.

nudist in my kitchen
makes a nice surprise to see
skin smoother than the milk,
more delicious than the bacon.

girls in wifebeaters don't beat their wives
as much as they may playfully threaten.

tactile temptress in my bed
armed with literature & a gameboy,
as trash television bounces off her cheeks.

we stand side by side in public
& gleefully watch people wonder:
sisters? best friends?

we carry secrets on the roots of our tongues
& when our mouths meet, i find myself
spilling.

Proposition 8.1

I wrote this song in response to the passing of Proposition 8 in California. Even though same-sex marriage is legal where I live, it still upsets me to no end that the majority of Americans apparently think that queer people should be excluded from their constitutional rights. I had never written a political song before, but this was such an important issue to me that I was compelled to write it.

On my YouTube page, it spawned some interesting discussions & debates about same-sex marriage, which you can read by clicking here. I found it very moving that my fans would stick up for me when I was verbally battling a closed-minded religious zealot on this topic.



Get your religion out of my bed, & I will keep my bed out of your church
All your deception must be in vain; I think it's time to give up your search
For validation of your heart
Validation of your heart

Get your propaganda offa my TV, & I will keep my words out of your ears
I can tell by looking that you're scared of me, & I'm about to validate your fears
For validation of my heart
Validation of my heart

There's a reason why we live in separate places
I don't think we could stand to see each other's faces
You're messing up the world with your lousy legislations
& your half-assed ministrations
Don't control the population
In the name of validation of your heart

Get those cruel words offa your lips, & I will get this song offa mine
There's been enough resistance for you to get the hint: your policies are dying on the vine
Alla these protests, sit-ins & strikes may seem rather rough
But no matter how many ambitions you crush, it'll never ever be enough
For validation of your heart
Validation of your heart
Validation of your heart
Everybody needs a place to start

the girl part 1.

the kind of girl I like wears surf shorts & bikini tops.
the kind of girl I like has nice hair, either beautifully coloured or soft & elegant.
the kind of girl I like smells wonderful.
the kind of girl I like is not adverse to getting out and doing things.
the kind of girl I like appreciates a good horror movie, or action, or Disney.
the kind of girl I like will go along with wherever I drag them.
the kind of girl I like is not afraid to say that she cares for me.
the kind of girl I like makes some first moves.
the kind of girl I like respects grammar.
the kind of girl I like does not coat herself in makeup.
the kind of girl I like does not get embarrassed easily.
the kind of girl I like is knowledgeable.
the kind of girl I like is comedic.
the kind of girl I like causes me to feel almost sick with wanting.
the kind of girl I like has short hair.
the kind of girl I like is a willing model for my photography projects.
the kind of girl I like is non-judgmental.
the kind of girl I like has a talent.
the kind of girl I like is unashamed of who I am, she is, who we are together.
the kind of girl I like will smile when I say nice things to her & vice versa.
the kind of girl I like enjoys the fast ride.
the kind of girl I like has a conscience & is aware.
the kind of girl I like has a heart & is willing to keep it open.

When I knew

It was ninth grade. I had only just begun to settle into my skin. I was changing on the outside (I was newly a brunette, I was wearing makeup regularly for the first time in my life) & on the inside (I had recently started at a new school & was forced to make new friends, a totally foreign concept to me at the time). I wasn't expecting any more big changes - & yet, little did I know, one of the biggest I can imagine was on its way.

That was the year I met Lana*. For the most part, she didn't interest me much at first - she, like all the rest, was searching for something, some labels to stick on herself, to "set herself apart," & the labels she had chosen bored me. All except for one: bisexual. Like many "straight" people, I was fascinated by queerness in any form. I found it intriguing that a person could, at such a young age, know themself that well, & make that information public. I envied Lana's confidence & self-awareness.

I made the classic straightie mistake of assuming that any & all positive interactions with a queer person automatically equaled flirtation. It's possible that Lana was actually flirting with me, but in retrospect, I don't think so. The very same remarks that would have seemed totally "normal" if she were straight ("I love your outfit!" "Can you help me with this essay?" "I'm so nervous for the recital!") were suddenly a danger, a challenge, a gripping plot filled with shocking twists & unsettling turns.

I was writing feverishly in my journal about how strange it was that this girl seemed to be interested in me, when suddenly it hit me: I wanted to flirt back. & not just because it would be funny. As I continued to write & delved progressively deeper into my psyche, I realized I wanted to hold Lana's hand, wanted to kiss her, wanted her to be my girlfriend. The sweaty palms in her presence, the scratchy voice when I tried to speak to her - it all made sense in a riveting flash of light. I stared down at the page before me, & with a clarity I'd never known before, wrote simply: "I am bisexual." The words looked so good to me, & I believed them.

Nothing much happened with Lana. I was still painfully shy at that point, & wasn't quite certain enough that she liked me to do anything about it. She dated some boys, & I got jealous. Summer came & went, & by the time school was back in session, I had no idea what it was about Lana that had made me so crazy for all those months. But I knew I would always remember her, because her questionable advances were what first made me realize a truth of myself that would change & guide my life.

*Name changed to protect my dignity.

Cadence Gaydence Kay Spailface Lee.

What to call me? Cadence, Cadence Lee, Kay, Gaydence. There is a lot of drama surrounding my name (in this I refer to the year in which I did not respond to my actual name at all). Please, read my name before you try to pronounce it (KAY-DEN-CE) or else you'll force me to be cross. & that's not something you necessarily want.

What I identify as? A dyke, gay, a mistake, a kid with nothing to do.

What/Who am I attracted to? I use code-names for all my crushes, except celebrities. Of celebs, there is Tegan Quin & John Barrowman (an exception to the gender attraction rules for me). There is also Gavin, who is the Flickr star of my eye.
In real life? The list of codes goes: New York City (with whom I just broke up), Boston, Canberra, Kathmandu, LA, one person whose code is in song form, London, Cayenne, Milan. There are others, but they were before I started coding. The only ones I'm interested in at the moment are Boston, Cayenne, LA & the song person.

In short, the girls I like are dykey & androgynous with nice legs. Tada.

What are my hobbies/interests? I cook, I take photos, I swim, I run, I bike, I hike, I take after kids, I write, I argue, I dance (interpretive... meaning it's like singing in the shower except with dancing. It's not meant to be good, just fun), I flirt with anything on two legs.

Where do I hang out? In my loft, in the darkroom & photo lab at school, in the sunshine, downtown Toronto, the Danforth with my fellow Muskequeers.

What are my goals/ambitions? To be great, to enjoy life as I'm living it, to travel, to have a nice place to retreat to, to find work & a life & friends & family I enjoy spending time with. A relationship or two or three (at a time).

What am I good at? That depends on who you ask. I like to cook, bake, take photos, write, etc... whether I do those well is not something I can judge.

What are my faults? I am narcissistic, I am brash, I flirt too much, my grammar is terrible. I'm mildly heterophobic, but not so much as I make it seem. I don't hate straight people/their relationships, I just think the world would be better if they were all gay. :)

What music do I love? Tegan & Sara, Bran Van 3000, Alanis Morissette, Bitch & Animal, Cyndi Lauper, Death Cab for Cutie, Kaki King, the Fratellis, Goldfrapp, Kate Nash, Metric, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Regina Spektor.

10 adjectives to describe me? Courageous, Sagittarius, Flirty, Vivacious, Pensive, Extroverted, Lesbian, Pretentious, Purposeful, Kinesthetic.

Introductory Interview: Kate

What should we call you? Kate works just fine, but my fellow muskequeers have been known to call me Sloany (my last name is Sloan), especially to the tune of Nellie McKay's "Clonie." (You may not call me Katie unless granted special permission, thank you.)

What do you identify as? I consider myself bisexual, though that label is largely in question, as you'll learn in future posts.

What/who are you attracted to? Tattooed boys with tall hair, guitar skillz, & a crazy sense of humor. Androgynous or boyish girls with sweet eyes &, if possible, a fauxhawk. John Mayer. Katherine Moennig. Dr Gregory House (but strangely, not Hugh Laurie).

What are your hobbies/interests? I play music (piano, guitar, ukulele), sing, & write songs. At school, I do drama, both scripted & improvised. I take a drawing & painting course, which, though I'm not very good, makes me deliriously happy. I'm a bit of a fashion geek & try to make the way I dress reflect who I am. I do some creative writing & would very much like to do more.

Where do you hang out? School, Starbucks, the Danforth, thrift stores, small independent cafés, my back yard.

What are your life goals/ambitions? I'd like to release a CD of my music. I also want to live in New York, visit Paris, own something by Betsey Johnson, teach music lessons, start up some kind of initiative to help queer youth &/or educate people about sexuality, & fall in love.

What music do you listen to? Tegan & Sara, Death Cab For Cutie, The Softies, Bryce Kulak, John Legend, Nellie McKay, Stacey Kent, John Mayer, Ani DiFranco, KT Tunstall, various musicals (especially Sondheim).

What 10 adjectives describe you? Stubborn, colorful, queer (both senses of the word), creative, lazy, interested, musical, ambitious, reliable, geeky.

Who are we?

Cadence is lesbian spawn, & has just happened to be a dyke herself. She cooks, takes photos & craves what she cannot have.

Kate is a femme bisexual with crazy musical ambitions. She spends most of her time in front of the piano, the computer, &/or her ridiculous cat.

We are students at an arts school in Toronto, Canada. We are all weirdos who like to think, talk & write too much about sexuality. We are... the Three Muskequeers!