coded

I like the way her hair sits on her head, even when she wears a baseball cap like a douche bag. I like the way she smiles and veers right for me when she needs help. I like the way her hands are - strong and lithe and they make me quiver all up my spine when they touch over the work. I like her stature and the way she nods to me every time when I come in - I like I'm the most essential person there to her for a moment.
& her brown eyes and her skinny body and her arm hair and liver and clear and stressed mind. I like how she is so obsessed with the details, but she's such a boy sometimes and forgets order in the pursuit of a final result. I like how she just can't switch off and she is the biggest annoyance to everyone but me and they all wish she would shut up and the more I wish she would the more I want to hear her say my name and everything in her head and I want it NOW.
I love her art and the fact that she labours so hard towards the perfection we all want but she's taking the hard fast route. I like how she's a level below but on the same wavelength and all she still needs are the missing technicalities.
I like that every time I see her I get suprised and something new knocks me on the head. I like how when I think of her my eyes surely fill up with stars and how I must appear to float away.

The Truth:

When I consciously like someone, when I stick them with the label "crush," & define them as such & talk about them as such & tell other people that this is what they are to me, I mess something up in the chemistry & rhythm of our building budding relationship. I make myself act nervous around them because now every encounter must count, every word or glance exchanged must mean something dreadfully important. This disrupts the formerly effortless flow of whatever could happen next.

This is not to say that I shouldn't flirt, or admit that I like someone (to myself, friends, even the person in question), or picture myself dating them or whatever. But I should avoid putting all my eggs in one basket. I shouldn't rely on just one person for all my romantic euphoria. It's not fair to me, because it means I have to work harder to meet the daily love-rush quota I crave, & it's not fair to them, because it puts a lot of silent pressure on them to reciprocate when they might not. So if I spread myself out, not fixating on one person but allowing multiple people to make me infinitely romantically gleeful, I can have much more fun during these periods of coasting between serious interests.

miscellaneous crushsick haikus

hurt-me-boy: heart thief,
improv'er extraordinaire,
catalyst of joy.

i miss kissing like
an old friend i never quite
got to know fully.

the love in my heart
bursts, screeches, spins, flies, adores
you, you, you, & you.

optimistic girl
ventures blindly into him,
knowing it will hurt.

i trust him not to
hurt me anymore. i trust
me not to hurt me.

all the love on earth
percolates through my body
for you, only you.

i dream of waking
next to you, my favorite
goofy grey-eyed boy.

hungry for your eyes,
always. look at me, cutie.
that's all i need now.

all the world conspires
to bring what i want to me.
it's coming; just trust.

(i was inspired to
write most of these by mr.
tyler knott's haikus.)

Possible lesson to be learned from last night

"Don't get your hopes up."

When I want something (or someone), I like to take the attitude that I am GOING TO get it. I visualize having it, I feel how it would feel to have it, I try to start acting like I've already got it. This is not only based on the Law of Attraction, but also just good common sense - you'll be more likely to get something if you've prepared enough to know how to deal when you do get it.

As a result of this mentality (e.g. referring to objects of affection as my "future boy/girlfriend," for one thing), I get the occasional negative person telling me not to "get my hopes up."

Personally I think this is bullshit. Obviously you should listen to your gut, so if it feels like you're definitely not going to get this thing, then you probably don't really want it anyway, & should walk away. But if you really, truly want it, & feel on a fairly regular basis that it is, in fact, within your grasp, get your fucking hopes up! If you get what you want (& you probably will), it will feel super fucking amazing - & if you don't, you'll come crashing down in a fabulous, dramatic blaze of glory! Emotion is always better than nothing at all, especially for creative artist-types, as much as you might try to deny it.

If it doesn't work out, write a song. Paint something. Eat some chocolate. Scribble on a piece of paper, then crumple it up & throw it across the room. Get in the shower & do some loud & vigorous EFT. Pop a couple 5-HTP capsules. Reach out to people who'll make you feel better. Buy yourself some flowers. Publish melodramatic blog posts or tweets (see here, here, & the very page you're on right now!). Punch a pillow. Take a walk. Spend the whole day in bed. Listen to music you love on a loop (soundtrack of my sad day today: Music For Tourists by Chris Garneau). Spend time in front of a mirror, either telling yourself you love you, or swearing an incoherent blue streak. Put on huge scarves & mittens to insulate yourself from the world. Cuddle a small animal (stuffed or real). Wear a wig. Take MySpace-angle photos of your tortured artist self. Tell yourself a dozen million times how awesome you are, in as many places, wordings, silly voices, & different outfits as you possibly can. Basically, OWN YOUR MISERY, then kick it in the face & send it packing.

No one can make you do or be anything you don't want to... & that includes emotions. Who the fuck says you have to be sad, angry, frustrated, humiliated, or anything else? You're the only one who can choose to be that way. & I say, if you choose to be miserable, do it big, allow it to inspire you in explosive ways, document the results to review in happier times, & then go do something else. Know, always, that you are loved, & that this too shall pass.

I used to think...

misc. journal entries ranging from October 2008 - January 2009

1) That which happened the other night (December 4, 2008) had so many facets. I used to think of a line, or at least a parabola on the page; but seeing it happen made it seem more like a line that juts from the page in a upward diagonal then - as a paint drop in a pool of water - rays out to envelop everything.

2) The recent change in me has come less from myself or from what the recent act inspired than my expectations on how it would change me. I am sadder at the moment for my knowledge gleaned , however sparse or dense it may turn out to be.

3) She is a different person when fitted with bedroom eyes. More hungry, less human. Not the girl I like. Just an empty animal stamp

4) Open windows are such a distraction.

5) you would have laughed at the Vagina Monologues but at least have held my hand through it & kissed me in the cold afterward to keep me warm.

6) (received HB message) "you're everything I'm not, someone wake me up. You leave me speechless, I could get used to this."

7) When you look at me I miss you so much

8) Los Angeles, killer queen. You're a world away so full of pollution , this close to falling into the ocean. But by day you're sparkling & full of rays bouncing from the lenses in Hollywood training toward the descending haze in the sky. Talk about heat.

9) "I don't want to be stuck in a catfight."
"I don't want you to have to be."

10) I like how you willingly switch the direction you're walking in & match your gait to mine.
I love your glasses.
I like how you open your arms when we're still 4 feet apart.
I love running into you.
I like you telling me little things about yourself.
I love your smile.
I love finally knowing you.