Get out of my head
I've been trying for years
There's too little to cling to and there's so much unsaid
and the way you look right through me..
I never said I loved you but you're probably the closest in my thoughts
to that faraway image of me being happy with someone as perfect as you
but you look right through me and you'll never come back again so get out get out get out gey out get out
get out of my head.

Insubstantial Voice

Here's the problem:
My voice doesn't suit my needs
I need to be loud, to be heard
People need to see when I'm angry
but it you heard my voice you'd ignore me in a second.
I'm tired of having an insubstantial voice
I don't even recognoze it
I've spent my life with this voice and I still can't recognize when it's me talking.
The first thing she told me was that my voice was unexpected
and she never listened to me when I tried to say
it's over, insubstantial voice.
I'll sew a trumpet to my face instead.

coded

I like the way her hair sits on her head, even when she wears a baseball cap like a douche bag. I like the way she smiles and veers right for me when she needs help. I like the way her hands are - strong and lithe and they make me quiver all up my spine when they touch over the work. I like her stature and the way she nods to me every time when I come in - I like I'm the most essential person there to her for a moment.
& her brown eyes and her skinny body and her arm hair and liver and clear and stressed mind. I like how she is so obsessed with the details, but she's such a boy sometimes and forgets order in the pursuit of a final result. I like how she just can't switch off and she is the biggest annoyance to everyone but me and they all wish she would shut up and the more I wish she would the more I want to hear her say my name and everything in her head and I want it NOW.
I love her art and the fact that she labours so hard towards the perfection we all want but she's taking the hard fast route. I like how she's a level below but on the same wavelength and all she still needs are the missing technicalities.
I like that every time I see her I get suprised and something new knocks me on the head. I like how when I think of her my eyes surely fill up with stars and how I must appear to float away.

November 2009

I talked to her for the first time tonight. She really likes me. She's not a mind-games girl.

How do you tll someone you think they're wonderful?
That you think you really like them back?

That you think about that almost constantly - that you wish they were sitting next to you right now.

That when you talked bout heartburn it was about them - her.

She's beautiful. I want her.

Guest Profile: Arena

My name is... Arena, Thommie, Creature, That Weird Girl Who Sits Behind Me In Math... I'm known to respond to pretty much everything.

I indentify as... Bisexual.

I am attracted to... Humans. Especially the Ellen Page kind.

As for hobbies/interests... I love reading, acting, flirting, writing poetry and prose, singing my heart out, sending emails that no one will ever read, chairing my school's GSA, avidly reading PostSecrets and avidly sending in secrets of my own.

I usually hang around... Kabbyo's basement, bookstores, my school's art hall, Katherine's kitchen, the library, the library, Black Market, Alice's bedroom, Criminal Records, Mr Beans, and - although very rarely - my own home.

About my future... It's sort of undecided because my plans shift constantly. Currently, I have a desperate longing to go to U of T for Sexual Diversity Studies, After that, I plan on living in New York for a year because of an Allan Rickman pact I made when I was thirteen. I think after that I'd like to live in the village and hopefully get a job in queer rights activism.

10 adjectives to describe me... Awkward, Nostalgic, Nervous, inquisitive, Romantic, Capricious, Nosy, Humble, Zealous, and Childish.

heart burn

When I miss you, it feels like acid in my lungs. It feels like my blood is poison and this insatiable urge fills every hair on my body, every capillary. When I stay up all night all I feel is frantic to see you because once I do, the toxin will spill out.

Autumn Romance

One of my friends told me that to fall into crushland & romances in the autumn (begone, Ataris) is only natural what with the fact that we're mammals & designed to procreate to make spring babies.

& I am no exception; in grade 9 right by labour day I went to a wakeboarding competition & kissed a boy I liked up until his lips kissed mine.

In grade 10 I had my first girl kiss (which you've heard about too much now) & my growing standard is already pretty high.

Last year I had a brief but dizzy relationship with a chimney (she smoked like one) in the growing cold. She teased me about wearing tights & canvas shoes in late October weather when my teeth chattered then lent me her smoky pashmina. We kissed in the leaves behind bushes & in ravines where we could be secretive. She never gave me any speech about breaking up just started ignoring me then she went on to date another friend of mine & they are still happily together (living together, actually). I'm happy for them & I still tease her about anything that comes to mind.

On Halloween I had a heartfelt encounter with an unavailable girl who subsequently shacked up with me soon after. A lot of boundaries were crossed & eventually a 2.5 month thing dissolved when she couldn't stand certain flirtatious aspects of my character. She dated an enemy & stopped speaking to me. We have reconciled but I can't bring myself to look her in the eye.

Now the last crush I've had was in July & there are no new prospects. Where is my autumn romance?

I used to think...

misc. journal entries ranging from October 2008 - January 2009

1) That which happened the other night (December 4, 2008) had so many facets. I used to think of a line, or at least a parabola on the page; but seeing it happen made it seem more like a line that juts from the page in a upward diagonal then - as a paint drop in a pool of water - rays out to envelop everything.

2) The recent change in me has come less from myself or from what the recent act inspired than my expectations on how it would change me. I am sadder at the moment for my knowledge gleaned , however sparse or dense it may turn out to be.

3) She is a different person when fitted with bedroom eyes. More hungry, less human. Not the girl I like. Just an empty animal stamp

4) Open windows are such a distraction.

5) you would have laughed at the Vagina Monologues but at least have held my hand through it & kissed me in the cold afterward to keep me warm.

6) (received HB message) "you're everything I'm not, someone wake me up. You leave me speechless, I could get used to this."

7) When you look at me I miss you so much

8) Los Angeles, killer queen. You're a world away so full of pollution , this close to falling into the ocean. But by day you're sparkling & full of rays bouncing from the lenses in Hollywood training toward the descending haze in the sky. Talk about heat.

9) "I don't want to be stuck in a catfight."
"I don't want you to have to be."

10) I like how you willingly switch the direction you're walking in & match your gait to mine.
I love your glasses.
I like how you open your arms when we're still 4 feet apart.
I love running into you.
I like you telling me little things about yourself.
I love your smile.
I love finally knowing you.

in public

We're on the subway. Well, you are, but I'm not really there. Maybe you're talking about an exam, maybe I am staring at your eyes, but I'm not really there.
We're walking down Bloor, or, you are, but I'm not really there.
I'm floating in my head somewhere, too hot to touch, too paranoid to come out. You try to hold my hand, but it's like a stone. You try kissing me but I turn away. I'm watching the buisness man watching me. I'm watching people watching him watching me. I'm watching you paying attention to me, not them. I'm watching them watch you watching me.
I'm afraid to turn down a residential street away from crowds. I'm afraid to be seen touching you. I'm afraid for you, I'm afraid for me.
We're in a park. Well, you are, but I'm not really there. I'm watching a boy & a girl hold hands & kiss several feet away, wishing that I could do the same, wishing I didn't have to be afraid of loving you where others can see.
I'm afraid of being followed, of being called out, of being kicked, because I'm a girl, loving a girl in plain sight.

Dear Sexy Boys in my Life

Dear sexy boys in my life,

If you think "oh she's a dyke, she'd never go for me..." then you are probably WRONG.
Because of late, all I can do is check out boys. I don't know why, & I don't care why, I just want you all to know that if you are a boy, & I know you, then I have probably admired your ass many a time in recent weeks. Especially if you are Cayenne, Caen, or Tira. (Yay for codenames!)

Much much love,
Cadence the Omnisexual Polyamourous Femmy Boy-lover.

ps. But no facial hair. I will not tolerate facial hair. Eew.

gay playlist

1. It's Raining Men - Geri Halliwell
2. Love Cliché - Bran Van 3000
3. Nineteen - Tegan & Sara
4. Highschool Confidential - Rough Trade
5. It's Okay to be Gay - Tomboy
6. Gay Boyfriend - Hazzards The
7. In or Out - Ani DiFranco
8. If You Should Try to Kiss Her - Dressy Bessy
9. Losing My Religion - REM
10. (anything by the Scissor Sisters)

feel free to add to this

ps. hmmm... http://www.fiql.com/playlists/thats_so_gay_nonheterocentric_playlist/

the fun in falling

I like your hair, your flair,
the way you can do anything
that's probably why,
by & by,
I'm finding myself slowly falling.

You have the loud laugh
you do the full mile, never only half
the sky shines into your eyes
& to my suprise
I'm finding myself slowly falling.

oh my g-d

So on a slight tangent

Today me & my dearest Finny (Chavery) went on a photoshoot rendezvous in the heart of downtown Toronto, where acceptance levels are high & the churches have even lent a helping hand to the queer community. Originally, the plan was to find a decrepit church or abandoned building & to have her in her old ballet getup. But, we got sidetracked & would up in the Eaton Center, right next door to my old church where one of my moms met her partner (before converting to Judaism) & my godfather still reads the narrator lines for the oldest Christmas play in the GTA (113 years running?). The Holy Trinity has a pride parade car float that I rode upon as a child, & when we came in an exceptionally nice (exceptionally gay) man gave us a warm welcome & a minitour. We asked permission to shoot a roll of film & he was all for it. He even said "If I had known the National Ballet would be stopping by I would have cleaned up a bit!". So with this encouragement we continued on our merry way. As Chaves was lighting up a prayer candle for my camera, an old homeless man walked into the church, shouting imperceptible things. As he drew nearer with his accusatory finger, my stomach gave a lurch, he was shouting out our disrespect in the House of the Lord, & what the fuck was this disgraceful whore doing in this getup, etc... The nice man tried telling him that all was well but he raged, gave us a fright & all but chased us from the threshold. He hadn't even meant to pray bcause he chased us right out, we weren't making noise, a fuss, or disturbing him. He shouted at us from across the church courtyard, maybe, maybe not noticing Chaves' rainbow satchel.
I'm an atheist. I can't imagine anything existing beyond whatever this is, I believe we rot etc...
I'm posing a question for you, readers. Where do we cross the line? Would a school photoshoot in a leotard, tights & pointe shoes be pushing your tolerance limits? & Where do we gays fit into the religious circle?
Awaiting your opinions,
No disrespect,
Lovely day,
-Cadence Lee

codewords (2)

of the day: Celebration

Meaning: Masturbation.

Enjoy. :)

codelanguage

The dynamic in the group of muskequeers is generally lighthearted, making fun of one another, talk of obsession, etc...
In order to move under the radar when in public (while still being secretly boisterous) & discussing inappropriate subjects, we have developed a secret code, starting with food.

Word of the day:

Cooking (Sex)

ex. "Some cooking went down last night."

On being a soup can

Timeline of queerness:

Grade 2: First crush (on a boy named Merric). I told Katherine one day across the table that I thought he was cute & she told Kassa & he yelled it to the whole room & Merric never talked to me again. But he didn't talk to me in the first place to no loss.

Grades 5 & 6: Devastating crushes on boys & bullying by catty girls who ended up telling the boys.

Grade 7: Crush on one boy ('Seal'), long & winding progress that led to nothing. He dated my best friend, Camille, & I lost them both at the same time.

Grade 9: Eager to join in on the bisexual vibe at our school, I labelled myself bi-curious even though I thought it was quite a lie. This is when I jokingly started staring at girls' butts as they walked up the stairs. Later that year, I tried on bi-sexual, tired of explaining what bi-curious meant.

Summer between 9/10: Out of nowhere, a rocket of obsession & curiosity for a girl came about. For once, I believed there was something queer about me, it was thrilling.

Grade 10: I started seeing things different ways. I started hanging out with Kate & Chavery part-way through (when they started to like my loser-ness). I got over the girl of the summer, I fell hard for another girl. My first kiss with a girl (the first one that had any meaning) was in November. I'm still not over that. Nothing ended up happening past that point. At some point or another I fell in love with Tegan Quin (ha ha, I am actually wearing this right now http://www.maplemusic.com/product.asp?dept%5Fid=32&pf%5Fid=30%2D158&lang=EN) & somewhere amidst that I started using Lesbian for a label.

Grade 11 -> now: This year has been uneventful in terms of labelling, I have only changed it once. I identify as a dyke if I have to choose something, but there are exceptions. Exceptions like Cayenne & Caen, the two boys in the circle of my affection. Both of whom smiled at me today.
I find I am initially attracted to a girl, to her body. Then to her personality, or else it goes nowhere just falls flat. If I go for a boy, I'm going to fall for effeminate ones, first for their personality, then if or when it progresses, I'll get attracted to their body. It just happens.

So that's my label, that's the journey of it. If anyone remembers something I forgot, some stage along the way, please point it out.
& don't try labelling me bisexual or anything like that. I don't feel like a bisexual, as far as I'm concerned this here is a dyke.
(also, I'm desperately single. aah.)

lips

a) I was around 8 when I had my first kiss. We'd gotten back from the pool & decided to play house, & I was put into the position of boyfriend. We were all girls, there were about 5 of us. One of the girls I didn't know was Daughter & I was picking her up for a date. She had been eating Gobstoppers on the way back from the pool & her mouth tasted sickly sweet.

b) The summer before grade 9 when I was still 13. My mom & her friend & I were on a road trip to film a wake boarding competition in the middle of nowhere slightly north of Niagara Falls. While there, I jumped into the river & cut myself open all over on zebra mussels. An older boy jumped in beside me & together we swam all the way down along the side of the river. He name was Mason & he was 17, tall, with blondish hair & many more experiences than my sheltered mind could comprehend. We talked all afternoon & ran around in the sun & I thoroughly enjoyed myself. At sunset we settled under a large beech tree with the dapples gold light falling between us. When his lips touched mine though, I was repulsed. Up until that point I had liked him. When we got back to the campsite I jumped into the pool to wash the taste & feel of him off of me.

c) I was in grade 10, she was in her fifth year. She was soft all over, that's one thing I remember, & she smelled like everything good & sweet in my world. When I kissed her, in the dark alcove leading into the darkroom, I felt like flames were jumping all over my body, spreading lust. I felt her lips on mine for the rest of the day & I'm still moderately upset for passing up a chance like that.

More...

Continuing Kate's reviews...

Come As You Are (701 Queen West, 416.504.7934)
pros:

• Lotsa fun little toys, books, strap on gear, etc...
• friendly staff who are willing to help you out
• breast binders! I bought one for a friend there, & it was her very first one. They made it painless, with a locking washroom & general helpfulness.
• my mama teaches workshops there.
• nice window displays. :)
• very accessible for people with disabilities

Cons:

• I haven't had enough time to look around to give a better analysis.

Condom Shack (231 Queen West, 416.596.7515)

pros:

• nice staff
• lots of condoms...
• probably the most accessible & widely known sex shop in the city

cons:

• annoyingly well-known, some would say
• neither a pro nor a con: mostly focusing on straight couples
• not very private, with all the hustle outside the door.
• small selection of lubes (thats all I really looked at while I was there) that were not all icky & chemical. Basically it was bad taste or yeast infection.

MCS

When you see an acronym like MCS, you think of some incurable affliction, do you not? A terrible, drawn out suffering?
I'll say the first part is correct. Multiple Crush Syndrome is a serious condition, mostly resulting in an annoying amount of daydreaming, confusion, & jealousy from thy beloved. People affected by this syndrome are usually too wrapped up in checking people out & gushing over one person only to have another stroll into the room, that they lose track of all trains of thought & comprehension. Often in a day, they will pass by 10 previous & current admired people, & as each passes by they will inevitably sway a bit from reality, caught up in the moment. Imagine having all of your ex-lovers in a school where the population is under 1000 kids & you're still not over any of them. It's like that.
It's a long road to getting over, & part of it can only be helped by age & maturity. When you're older, you might decide to try commitment (to find it not satisfactory), but in some cases, the crushers will find themselves becoming Polyamorous. Sometimes, the creation of code-names will help ease the social stress of one potential lover (or current lover) walking into a room while you are gushing about them or another. Themes for code-names: Drinks, Cities, names that night seem to suit them, etc...

Life afterwards:
Great. Chances are 1/2 that you will turn out happy. If nothing else, you always have someone to think of on those coooold nights.

ps. I never seemed to have this problem when I was "straight"...

turning

every time I look over my shoulder to see what's at home, I realize that I am my mother. I AM her. People say that they're looking like their mothers, but here I am, with everything (EVERYTHING) the same.
we're cynical
we're of the same opinions on most things
we're photographers
we're queer
we are attracted to the same people
we dress somewhat the same
we act somewhat the same
we like the same food
we're both polyamorous
we have the same bodies (mine minus the same amount of stretch marks, thankfully)
we have the same faces (minus the fact that I have a cleft chin, green eyes & light brown hair to her round chin, hazel eyes & dark brown hair)
the business she runs/owns is the kind I would have if I had to be self-employed
people take us for sisters all the time & hit on us as a pair
or else they think we are lovers who look weirdly similar.

Can't I do anything that does not replicate her? She's incredible, I know, with her perseverance & life story but I'd like to live my own, thank you very much.
at 19 she became pregnant with me, became homeless, got thyroid disease, came out as a dyke, shaved her head (something I did last year...), dropped out of the army, etc.... she & my other mom got together when I was one then split when I was seven. She was hit by a car. She is now running a small business, writing a book, constantly going to physio, finding time to parent for every odd week, keeping 3 or more relationships going, etc...

So where does this leave a teenage delinquent like myself?
in a deep pit of "how the fuck am I going to live up to this."