Romantic confessions. Letters sealed with kisses & spritzed with perfume. Heart-shaped jewelry.
Big bouquets of colorful flowers. Boys with glasses & tattoos. Midnight picnics. Sunny days.
Endless snuggles. Being the little spoon. Borrowing his clothes.
Big pink lips just ripe for the kissin'.
"I like you so much."
Virgo boys. Soft, touchable hair. Improv shows.
All-night-long phone conversations. Journals full of just one person. Declarations of love.
Fidelity. Trust. Honesty to the point of dorkiness.
Objects with sentimental value. Movie theatres. Coffee shops. Breakfast in bed. Purple hair. Labret piercings. Leather jackets. Fauxhawks. Bedhead. Big toothy grins.
Hands on hips. Hands on waists. Hands in my pockets. Holding hands.
Writing love songs. Streetcar rides. Leaning my head on his shoulder.
Truth or dare. Hickeys. Learning to please.
Introducing him to my family. Meeting his family.
Accidental discoveries of eccentric erogenous zones. Relentless giggling. Private-ish nooks.
Lingerie. Short fingernails. Crunchy tongues. Leather boots. Whirlwind romances.
Quirks. Board games. "You're my favorite."
Gross coupley photobooth strips. All-nighters. Dinner parties.
Androgyny. Acceptance. Nerding out. Adorably bad drawings. Getting dolled up. A duel of wits.
"I'm so in love with you."
Massages. Slow-dancing. Falling asleep in his arms. Warmth. Joy.
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Monday, February 15, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
my subconscious mind's worrisome antics
Since acquiring my First Official Boyfriend™...
December 21st
I dreamed about my booooyfriend, naturally. We were snuggling in bed & he began to discover that freakishly sensitive spot on the back of my left shoulder, kissing around until he hit it & I started to giggle & squirm.
December 22nd
Dreamed that Charlotte started to like Cadence & consequentially, Cadence & I had an extended debate about whether you can really "just start liking someone" after you've already known them for a while. My stance (which isn't actually true & I don't agree with in real life) was that you'll think someone is cute from the first meeting, & you'll always have a mini-crush on them, until you start to notice the "deeper details" & that makes it into a full-blown crush.
December 23rd
Dreamed about prom dress shopping. Wuh-oh. I really cannot tell at this point whether this relationship has tons of long-term potential or none at all, so it's hard (impossible) to imagine what June (prom month) will look like...
December 24th
Dream: he & I were in my room. We started to kiss, but he went through each step very methodically as per an ABCs WikiHow-esque protocol (Approach, Begin to move in, Closer, etc.).
December 26th
Had a dream wherein I was attacked by a bunch of men & then my former best friend saved the day by showing up & stabbing them all to death. Symbolic much? Sounds like I'm waiting for my ex-bestie to rescue me from the scary clutches of my boyfriend. (None of that is really true but I guess some of it might be, subconsciously.)
January 10th
I dreamed that we were making out & he suddenly said "I love you" & went on to say that he knows you're generally supposed to be together about three months before you say that, but his feelings were undeniable, etc. I did not respond in kind but I did tell him I was on the verge of falling & would be there soon (truth). At least I didn't say "thank you" like Ryan Atwood on The O.C.
January 13th
Ummm don't judge - I had a sex dream about my [subject omitted to protect thesexy innocent] teacher last night. That's so embarrassing & awesome.
I also had a dream that I had an old-fashioned, little-kid-style birthday party, to which Rejection-Boy shockingly showed up. His hair was gelled into a rockabilly pompadour & he looked goooood.
Odd that I had such romantic dreams & my boyf was nowhere to be seen... I still like him best though, don't you worry!
December 21st
I dreamed about my booooyfriend, naturally. We were snuggling in bed & he began to discover that freakishly sensitive spot on the back of my left shoulder, kissing around until he hit it & I started to giggle & squirm.
December 22nd
Dreamed that Charlotte started to like Cadence & consequentially, Cadence & I had an extended debate about whether you can really "just start liking someone" after you've already known them for a while. My stance (which isn't actually true & I don't agree with in real life) was that you'll think someone is cute from the first meeting, & you'll always have a mini-crush on them, until you start to notice the "deeper details" & that makes it into a full-blown crush.
December 23rd
Dreamed about prom dress shopping. Wuh-oh. I really cannot tell at this point whether this relationship has tons of long-term potential or none at all, so it's hard (impossible) to imagine what June (prom month) will look like...
December 24th
Dream: he & I were in my room. We started to kiss, but he went through each step very methodically as per an ABCs WikiHow-esque protocol (Approach, Begin to move in, Closer, etc.).
December 26th
Had a dream wherein I was attacked by a bunch of men & then my former best friend saved the day by showing up & stabbing them all to death. Symbolic much? Sounds like I'm waiting for my ex-bestie to rescue me from the scary clutches of my boyfriend. (None of that is really true but I guess some of it might be, subconsciously.)
January 10th
I dreamed that we were making out & he suddenly said "I love you" & went on to say that he knows you're generally supposed to be together about three months before you say that, but his feelings were undeniable, etc. I did not respond in kind but I did tell him I was on the verge of falling & would be there soon (truth). At least I didn't say "thank you" like Ryan Atwood on The O.C.
January 13th
Ummm don't judge - I had a sex dream about my [subject omitted to protect the
I also had a dream that I had an old-fashioned, little-kid-style birthday party, to which Rejection-Boy shockingly showed up. His hair was gelled into a rockabilly pompadour & he looked goooood.
Odd that I had such romantic dreams & my boyf was nowhere to be seen... I still like him best though, don't you worry!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
a chronology of us so far
December 20th
So basically, I have the boyfriend I've been wanting for seven months... I don't even know how to express in writing how happy I am so I won't try. But I'm VERY happy.
December 21st
You know what's kind of great? He's a full fourteen inches taller than me, so I physically cannot kiss him unless I stand on something or he leans down. I like this - it's very chivalrous & old-worldly & lovely.
December 22nd
i. A common question these days: "So how is this going to affect your improv?" My usual answer: "I guess we'll find out, won't we!" We have an exhibition night coming up really soon so I hope our improv chemistry doesn't tank as a result of our real-life chemistry finally being acknowledged.
ii. Based on my Date Evaluation System which I half-jokingly devised in July (whose point system, due to lack of organization, ranges from -62 to +97), our first date gets a score of +69, which is (so say the numbers) the best date I've ever been on. I actually laughed out loud while doing the evaluation because some of the criteria fit so perfectly - e.g. +6 if they reveal an intimate secret about themself (neither of us can go an hour without revealing our intimate secrets); +5 if we hold hands or link arms (or both) with an additional +5 if it's initiated by them; +8 if they say some variation of "I really like you" (or, you know, those exact words!).
December 23rd
A part of me keeps feeling like this is somehow wrong... but it's probably just nerves over the whole "first boyfriend" thing, which is all so new & foreign - except for those moments where we're fitting together & we're laughing & it feels like it's been this way forever, like we've been going out for months & months already, are established, are gorgeously comfortable & lovey-dovey (oh I do hate that word, but it works here). I'm definitely still figuring all this out & it's going to take some time for me to fully trust, accept, & forgive him. But right now the thought of him makes me feel swoony about 58% of the time which is more than can be said of almost anyone else in the world.
December 24th
Every time my hands get cold, I think of him.
December 27th
Very interesting fact: both of his parents are Taureans so he knows aaall about the kind of strength, stubbornness, vivacity, & intensity he can expect from me.
December 28th
At one point we were at a busy intersection, & Kathleen said in her responsible-teacher voice, "Everyone hold hands with a buddy!" He said "I've got my buddy!" & indicated our intertwined hands.
December 29th
Hey, Kate? Remember, always, because I know you tend to forget: he likes you, he wants to touch you, he calls you every night, he grabs for your hand, he holds you, he buries his face in your hair, he thinks you're cute & pretty & amazing, HE asked YOU out, he cares about you, he wants to spend time with you... Never doubt these things, even though you're prone to, because they are true. Unequivocally & objectively.
December 30th
Uh, so, yeah, basically I have the best boyfriend ever (clingy & romantic, yet masculine? nerdy & smart, yet down-to-earth? WHAT?!) & I am starting to feel like I could fall in love with him very quickly very soon, though I don't really have the slightest clue what that is supposed to feel like.
December 31st
"Stop that, it's making my skin crawl!"
"If your skin were literally crawling, there would be [green alien blood?] under it, which would have a potent smell..." (geeky tangent about crawly skin as per sci-fi logic)
(sarcastically) "You're making me feel sooo beautiful & attractive..."
"No, I was saying you DON'T have that [green alien blood or whatever], so actually you ARE!"
"Oh. Okay. Glad you think so."
January 1st
Oh, hello, 2010! I have someone to share you with! That is kind of really ridiculously awesome. Wow. Here we go.
So basically, I have the boyfriend I've been wanting for seven months... I don't even know how to express in writing how happy I am so I won't try. But I'm VERY happy.
December 21st
You know what's kind of great? He's a full fourteen inches taller than me, so I physically cannot kiss him unless I stand on something or he leans down. I like this - it's very chivalrous & old-worldly & lovely.
December 22nd
i. A common question these days: "So how is this going to affect your improv?" My usual answer: "I guess we'll find out, won't we!" We have an exhibition night coming up really soon so I hope our improv chemistry doesn't tank as a result of our real-life chemistry finally being acknowledged.
ii. Based on my Date Evaluation System which I half-jokingly devised in July (whose point system, due to lack of organization, ranges from -62 to +97), our first date gets a score of +69, which is (so say the numbers) the best date I've ever been on. I actually laughed out loud while doing the evaluation because some of the criteria fit so perfectly - e.g. +6 if they reveal an intimate secret about themself (neither of us can go an hour without revealing our intimate secrets); +5 if we hold hands or link arms (or both) with an additional +5 if it's initiated by them; +8 if they say some variation of "I really like you" (or, you know, those exact words!).
December 23rd
A part of me keeps feeling like this is somehow wrong... but it's probably just nerves over the whole "first boyfriend" thing, which is all so new & foreign - except for those moments where we're fitting together & we're laughing & it feels like it's been this way forever, like we've been going out for months & months already, are established, are gorgeously comfortable & lovey-dovey (oh I do hate that word, but it works here). I'm definitely still figuring all this out & it's going to take some time for me to fully trust, accept, & forgive him. But right now the thought of him makes me feel swoony about 58% of the time which is more than can be said of almost anyone else in the world.
December 24th
Every time my hands get cold, I think of him.
December 27th
Very interesting fact: both of his parents are Taureans so he knows aaall about the kind of strength, stubbornness, vivacity, & intensity he can expect from me.
December 28th
At one point we were at a busy intersection, & Kathleen said in her responsible-teacher voice, "Everyone hold hands with a buddy!" He said "I've got my buddy!" & indicated our intertwined hands.
December 29th
Hey, Kate? Remember, always, because I know you tend to forget: he likes you, he wants to touch you, he calls you every night, he grabs for your hand, he holds you, he buries his face in your hair, he thinks you're cute & pretty & amazing, HE asked YOU out, he cares about you, he wants to spend time with you... Never doubt these things, even though you're prone to, because they are true. Unequivocally & objectively.
December 30th
Uh, so, yeah, basically I have the best boyfriend ever (clingy & romantic, yet masculine? nerdy & smart, yet down-to-earth? WHAT?!) & I am starting to feel like I could fall in love with him very quickly very soon, though I don't really have the slightest clue what that is supposed to feel like.
December 31st
"Stop that, it's making my skin crawl!"
"If your skin were literally crawling, there would be [green alien blood?] under it, which would have a potent smell..." (geeky tangent about crawly skin as per sci-fi logic)
(sarcastically) "You're making me feel sooo beautiful & attractive..."
"No, I was saying you DON'T have that [green alien blood or whatever], so actually you ARE!"
"Oh. Okay. Glad you think so."
January 1st
Oh, hello, 2010! I have someone to share you with! That is kind of really ridiculously awesome. Wow. Here we go.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Things to be grateful for
(I make a gratitude list at the end of every day. Here are some of my favorite items from the lists made over the past two months.)
insane, stomach-scrambling, hopeful nervousness
allowing myself to experience pure untainted joy
pretty gay boys who awkwardly compliment me
excessively physical improv games
eye contact from across the room (or closer)
waking up slowly, gradually, & lazily with the help of music & sunlight
Dustin Hoffman
having a clean creative space
men who roll up the sleeves of their formal shirts
playing chess with my best friend in her hippietastic living room while blasting Fleet Foxes
elaborate kissing fantasies
meditating on the roof
singing in the shower
moving forward
Sex Matters by Osho, which is fascinating
optimism springing eternal
cashmere sweaters
waiting at bus stops in brisk, early autumn weather
the phrase "go steady with me"
feeling like a part of a whole
the realization that more enthusiasm is always better
people who don't know that their hair is sticking up
making funny people laugh
giving people silly nicknames (e.g. "Sexy Irish Boy")
noticing that cute people are watching me
prattling on about The Boy to anyone who'll listen
improv improv improv improv forever
independent pizzerias
silently sitting really really close
big toothy childish grins
intellectual debates on the subway
laughing so hard I start to cry & can't breathe
the all-consuming bliss of unity
people who say, "Tell me everything"
chocolate peanut butter ice cream
unabashed vulva worship
the ways in which we all inspire one another
moments where I realize that something I previously considered a hindrance is now a blessing
nervous laughter
walking home in the dark holding a teddy bear
when other people's happiness rubs off on me
smelling so awesome I make myself swoon a little
pizza
freaky universal serendipity
whimsical typography
channeling nervous energy into something great
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Journal bits from the past couple months
June 26th
I realized that yesterday, I was flirting with _____ on the phone. A lot. Talking about bras, love letters, etc. The thing is, I don't know how to flirt. I can't turn it on & off. These suggestive comments just crop up in my queue of things to say, & conversations move so quickly that I have to keep running with whatever I've got. She didn't seem bothered by it, but she didn't flirt back or anything, as much as I sometimes wish she would (it's a self-esteem thing, not an I-like-her thing, don't worry).
July 7th
What is it about me that makes me so much more attractive to girls than to guys?! Specifically, girly girls, in whom I rarely have any interest? It's flattering, but frustrating. I would say I need to make some changes to myself to optimize the people I attract, but I'm really, truly happy with myself at this point in my life (body, style, personality, values/opinions, manners/mannerisms, etc.) so I hesitate to make any major alterations.
July 12th
I made a little chart of all the adjectives I'd use to describe all the people I've ever liked, & the top contenders were: cute, funny, smart, good taste in music, pale, talented, open. That's kind of boring & predictable. Ohhhh well.
July 21st
Most beautiful dyke of my life on the subway. Cropped platinum blonde hair, GORGEOUS face, olive cargo shorts, white sneakers, pink lilies in lap, reading Nerve: Literate Smut. I practically stared my eyeballs out of their sockets. Good gracious.
July 27th
If you're gonna chill with Joey, Jeffy, or Johnny
You don't want a cotton-dried punani
So put away your tampons & your pads
'Cause all they do is make your pussy sad
Turn to something fresh & something new
I love it, & you're gonna love it too
Stick it in - slightly back & up
Now pledge your allegiance to the Diva Cup
August 17th
Elizabeth Gips on orgasm: "Male & female are one body that is no body in the time before time when God/me gave birth, created itself. An orgasm beyond orgasm that shakes loose streams of energy which become space, stars, planets, trees, bugs & people. RAPTURE. Am God, energy or whatever, me/you/they. Everything. Created creator."
August 18th
I've been reading this book, O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm by Jonathan Margolis. It's fascinating. I've learned so much. For example, as I've always suspected & felt, queer tendencies come much more naturally to many more people than the religious institutions would have us believe. Countless cultures throughout the world embrace gay sex & intimacy as a natural part of life. One of the most interesting cultures was on an island near New Guinea. Young boys from the age of ten will fellate an older man every day, so as to absorb the virility & fertility of their mentor. (You can't make this stuff up.) If not for the fact that they disdain cunnilingus, I would totally love that culture.
August 22nd
I am currently wearing a bikini in public, for the first time in my life. I always used to have this deathly fear that people would (gasp) see my stomach, which bulges a little, or my ass, which is not flat, or whatever. But firstly, hardly anyone actually cares or even notices whether my body is perfect or not, & secondly, why should I care what they think anyhow? Like Dr Seuss says, those who matter don't mind, & those who mind don't matter. It's as simple as that.
I realized that yesterday, I was flirting with _____ on the phone. A lot. Talking about bras, love letters, etc. The thing is, I don't know how to flirt. I can't turn it on & off. These suggestive comments just crop up in my queue of things to say, & conversations move so quickly that I have to keep running with whatever I've got. She didn't seem bothered by it, but she didn't flirt back or anything, as much as I sometimes wish she would (it's a self-esteem thing, not an I-like-her thing, don't worry).
July 7th
What is it about me that makes me so much more attractive to girls than to guys?! Specifically, girly girls, in whom I rarely have any interest? It's flattering, but frustrating. I would say I need to make some changes to myself to optimize the people I attract, but I'm really, truly happy with myself at this point in my life (body, style, personality, values/opinions, manners/mannerisms, etc.) so I hesitate to make any major alterations.
July 12th
I made a little chart of all the adjectives I'd use to describe all the people I've ever liked, & the top contenders were: cute, funny, smart, good taste in music, pale, talented, open. That's kind of boring & predictable. Ohhhh well.
July 21st
Most beautiful dyke of my life on the subway. Cropped platinum blonde hair, GORGEOUS face, olive cargo shorts, white sneakers, pink lilies in lap, reading Nerve: Literate Smut. I practically stared my eyeballs out of their sockets. Good gracious.
July 27th
If you're gonna chill with Joey, Jeffy, or Johnny
You don't want a cotton-dried punani
So put away your tampons & your pads
'Cause all they do is make your pussy sad
Turn to something fresh & something new
I love it, & you're gonna love it too
Stick it in - slightly back & up
Now pledge your allegiance to the Diva Cup
August 17th
Elizabeth Gips on orgasm: "Male & female are one body that is no body in the time before time when God/me gave birth, created itself. An orgasm beyond orgasm that shakes loose streams of energy which become space, stars, planets, trees, bugs & people. RAPTURE. Am God, energy or whatever, me/you/they. Everything. Created creator."
August 18th
I've been reading this book, O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm by Jonathan Margolis. It's fascinating. I've learned so much. For example, as I've always suspected & felt, queer tendencies come much more naturally to many more people than the religious institutions would have us believe. Countless cultures throughout the world embrace gay sex & intimacy as a natural part of life. One of the most interesting cultures was on an island near New Guinea. Young boys from the age of ten will fellate an older man every day, so as to absorb the virility & fertility of their mentor. (You can't make this stuff up.) If not for the fact that they disdain cunnilingus, I would totally love that culture.
August 22nd
I am currently wearing a bikini in public, for the first time in my life. I always used to have this deathly fear that people would (gasp) see my stomach, which bulges a little, or my ass, which is not flat, or whatever. But firstly, hardly anyone actually cares or even notices whether my body is perfect or not, & secondly, why should I care what they think anyhow? Like Dr Seuss says, those who matter don't mind, & those who mind don't matter. It's as simple as that.
Monday, August 10, 2009
I used to think...
misc. journal entries ranging from October 2008 - January 2009
1) That which happened the other night (December 4, 2008) had so many facets. I used to think of a line, or at least a parabola on the page; but seeing it happen made it seem more like a line that juts from the page in a upward diagonal then - as a paint drop in a pool of water - rays out to envelop everything.
2) The recent change in me has come less from myself or from what the recent act inspired than my expectations on how it would change me. I am sadder at the moment for my knowledge gleaned , however sparse or dense it may turn out to be.
3) She is a different person when fitted with bedroom eyes. More hungry, less human. Not the girl I like. Just an empty animal stamp
4) Open windows are such a distraction.
5) you would have laughed at the Vagina Monologues but at least have held my hand through it & kissed me in the cold afterward to keep me warm.
6) (received HB message) "you're everything I'm not, someone wake me up. You leave me speechless, I could get used to this."
7) When you look at me I miss you so much
8) Los Angeles, killer queen. You're a world away so full of pollution , this close to falling into the ocean. But by day you're sparkling & full of rays bouncing from the lenses in Hollywood training toward the descending haze in the sky. Talk about heat.
9) "I don't want to be stuck in a catfight."
"I don't want you to have to be."
10) I like how you willingly switch the direction you're walking in & match your gait to mine.
I love your glasses.
I like how you open your arms when we're still 4 feet apart.
I love running into you.
I like you telling me little things about yourself.
I love your smile.
I love finally knowing you.
1) That which happened the other night (December 4, 2008) had so many facets. I used to think of a line, or at least a parabola on the page; but seeing it happen made it seem more like a line that juts from the page in a upward diagonal then - as a paint drop in a pool of water - rays out to envelop everything.
2) The recent change in me has come less from myself or from what the recent act inspired than my expectations on how it would change me. I am sadder at the moment for my knowledge gleaned , however sparse or dense it may turn out to be.
3) She is a different person when fitted with bedroom eyes. More hungry, less human. Not the girl I like. Just an empty animal stamp
4) Open windows are such a distraction.
5) you would have laughed at the Vagina Monologues but at least have held my hand through it & kissed me in the cold afterward to keep me warm.
6) (received HB message) "you're everything I'm not, someone wake me up. You leave me speechless, I could get used to this."
7) When you look at me I miss you so much
8) Los Angeles, killer queen. You're a world away so full of pollution , this close to falling into the ocean. But by day you're sparkling & full of rays bouncing from the lenses in Hollywood training toward the descending haze in the sky. Talk about heat.
9) "I don't want to be stuck in a catfight."
"I don't want you to have to be."
10) I like how you willingly switch the direction you're walking in & match your gait to mine.
I love your glasses.
I like how you open your arms when we're still 4 feet apart.
I love running into you.
I like you telling me little things about yourself.
I love your smile.
I love finally knowing you.
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