Journal bits from the past couple months

June 26th
I realized that yesterday, I was flirting with _____ on the phone. A lot. Talking about bras, love letters, etc. The thing is, I don't know how to flirt. I can't turn it on & off. These suggestive comments just crop up in my queue of things to say, & conversations move so quickly that I have to keep running with whatever I've got. She didn't seem bothered by it, but she didn't flirt back or anything, as much as I sometimes wish she would (it's a self-esteem thing, not an I-like-her thing, don't worry).

July 7th
What is it about me that makes me so much more attractive to girls than to guys?! Specifically, girly girls, in whom I rarely have any interest? It's flattering, but frustrating. I would say I need to make some changes to myself to optimize the people I attract, but I'm really, truly happy with myself at this point in my life (body, style, personality, values/opinions, manners/mannerisms, etc.) so I hesitate to make any major alterations.

July 12th
I made a little chart of all the adjectives I'd use to describe all the people I've ever liked, & the top contenders were: cute, funny, smart, good taste in music, pale, talented, open. That's kind of boring & predictable. Ohhhh well.

July 21st
Most beautiful dyke of my life on the subway. Cropped platinum blonde hair, GORGEOUS face, olive cargo shorts, white sneakers, pink lilies in lap, reading Nerve: Literate Smut. I practically stared my eyeballs out of their sockets. Good gracious.

July 27th
If you're gonna chill with Joey, Jeffy, or Johnny
You don't want a cotton-dried punani
So put away your tampons & your pads
'Cause all they do is make your pussy sad

Turn to something fresh & something new
I love it, & you're gonna love it too
Stick it in - slightly back & up
Now pledge your allegiance to the Diva Cup

August 17th
Elizabeth Gips on orgasm: "Male & female are one body that is no body in the time before time when God/me gave birth, created itself. An orgasm beyond orgasm that shakes loose streams of energy which become space, stars, planets, trees, bugs & people. RAPTURE. Am God, energy or whatever, me/you/they. Everything. Created creator."

August 18th
I've been reading this book, O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm by Jonathan Margolis. It's fascinating. I've learned so much. For example, as I've always suspected & felt, queer tendencies come much more naturally to many more people than the religious institutions would have us believe. Countless cultures throughout the world embrace gay sex & intimacy as a natural part of life. One of the most interesting cultures was on an island near New Guinea. Young boys from the age of ten will fellate an older man every day, so as to absorb the virility & fertility of their mentor. (You can't make this stuff up.) If not for the fact that they disdain cunnilingus, I would totally love that culture.

August 22nd
I am currently wearing a bikini in public, for the first time in my life. I always used to have this deathly fear that people would (gasp) see my stomach, which bulges a little, or my ass, which is not flat, or whatever. But firstly, hardly anyone actually cares or even notices whether my body is perfect or not, & secondly, why should I care what they think anyhow? Like Dr Seuss says, those who matter don't mind, & those who mind don't matter. It's as simple as that.