O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm: a haiku review

arguably, our
orgasms are our most strange
physiology.

who knew they had a
history? well, of course they
must. so i read this.

the author's thesis:
testosterone can drive us
to some crazy shit.

from prehistoric
cavemen to victorian
prudes, sex remains big.

different cultures
have different sex beliefs
that seem odd to us.

furthermore, fuck off
if you still think women have
less sex drive! bullshit.

reading this convinced
me that men invent stories
to conceal failure.

please buy this book now!
it is bold, innovative,
& very saucy. ;)

Improv Has Become My Aphrodisiac

Lately I've been really really into improv.

I mean, I took the course last year, & that's when & how I got good at it, but if that was sticking my toe into the puddle, what I'm doing now is a massive splashy cannonball into the lake of improvisational theatre.

How does this relate to sexuality & relationships, you might ask?

Well, for one thing, basically all the boys who do improv are unreasonably cute. I don't know why this is. It's one of the great mysteries of my life so far, not that I'm complaining (oh boy, am I not complaining).

Secondly, beyond being physically attractive to an often freakish degree, a lot of, if not all skilled improvisors possess all of the following qualities: intelligence, fabulous humour, a deep sense of empathy, & excellent listening skills.

So imagine a room full of adorable people with all those attributes... & me, a part of the circle like everyone else, feeling totally & completely at home in a sea of loveliness.

Now, obviously I'm not just doing improv for the cuteness. In fact, prospective seductees are about eighth or ninth on my list of Why I Am So Fucking In Love With Improv I Can Hardly Breathe When I Think About It. But certainly, it's an advantage. Maybe you should consider paying a visit to your local improvisational theatre (or moving to Chicago).

Minor romantic update

This week I am going on a date. It'll be my first real one in almost two years. And she asked me, so I don't even have anything to feel insecure about. I feel blissfully calm, but at the same time, slightly panicked with nervousness. I think that's how you're supposed to feel at times like these.

When I'm romantically uninvolved, my bisexuality feels uncomfortable, like a shirt that's too tight in the midsection but too loose in the sleeves. The word "but" fills my sentences with self-justification & overexplanation: "Yeah, he's cute, but I still like girls too." "Wow, she's gorgeous... but I'm not gay!" I feel overburdened with the immense bothness of me, the vast expanses over which my sexuality can stretch. I feel like people don't believe me when I tell them who I am - & that's one of the scariest feelings I know.

When I'm dating someone, I feel so much more resolute, finally possessing the ability to say "I have a girlfriend" without exaggeratedly staring at guys, or "I have a boyfriend" without slathering myself in rainbow garb. I'm so focused on that one person that I don't feel the need to advertise my availability to the other sex (or to anyone, for that matter). I no longer have to act bisexual - I just am, but I'm so smitten that my other attractions settle onto the backburner & my crazy fears are quieted.

I'm just going on a date - not sipping sodas with a steady, not breaking out the U-Haul, not getting down on one knee - but I can already feel that romantic comfort & confidence settling into my bones. It feels good.

Journal bits from the past couple months

June 26th
I realized that yesterday, I was flirting with _____ on the phone. A lot. Talking about bras, love letters, etc. The thing is, I don't know how to flirt. I can't turn it on & off. These suggestive comments just crop up in my queue of things to say, & conversations move so quickly that I have to keep running with whatever I've got. She didn't seem bothered by it, but she didn't flirt back or anything, as much as I sometimes wish she would (it's a self-esteem thing, not an I-like-her thing, don't worry).

July 7th
What is it about me that makes me so much more attractive to girls than to guys?! Specifically, girly girls, in whom I rarely have any interest? It's flattering, but frustrating. I would say I need to make some changes to myself to optimize the people I attract, but I'm really, truly happy with myself at this point in my life (body, style, personality, values/opinions, manners/mannerisms, etc.) so I hesitate to make any major alterations.

July 12th
I made a little chart of all the adjectives I'd use to describe all the people I've ever liked, & the top contenders were: cute, funny, smart, good taste in music, pale, talented, open. That's kind of boring & predictable. Ohhhh well.

July 21st
Most beautiful dyke of my life on the subway. Cropped platinum blonde hair, GORGEOUS face, olive cargo shorts, white sneakers, pink lilies in lap, reading Nerve: Literate Smut. I practically stared my eyeballs out of their sockets. Good gracious.

July 27th
If you're gonna chill with Joey, Jeffy, or Johnny
You don't want a cotton-dried punani
So put away your tampons & your pads
'Cause all they do is make your pussy sad

Turn to something fresh & something new
I love it, & you're gonna love it too
Stick it in - slightly back & up
Now pledge your allegiance to the Diva Cup

August 17th
Elizabeth Gips on orgasm: "Male & female are one body that is no body in the time before time when God/me gave birth, created itself. An orgasm beyond orgasm that shakes loose streams of energy which become space, stars, planets, trees, bugs & people. RAPTURE. Am God, energy or whatever, me/you/they. Everything. Created creator."

August 18th
I've been reading this book, O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm by Jonathan Margolis. It's fascinating. I've learned so much. For example, as I've always suspected & felt, queer tendencies come much more naturally to many more people than the religious institutions would have us believe. Countless cultures throughout the world embrace gay sex & intimacy as a natural part of life. One of the most interesting cultures was on an island near New Guinea. Young boys from the age of ten will fellate an older man every day, so as to absorb the virility & fertility of their mentor. (You can't make this stuff up.) If not for the fact that they disdain cunnilingus, I would totally love that culture.

August 22nd
I am currently wearing a bikini in public, for the first time in my life. I always used to have this deathly fear that people would (gasp) see my stomach, which bulges a little, or my ass, which is not flat, or whatever. But firstly, hardly anyone actually cares or even notices whether my body is perfect or not, & secondly, why should I care what they think anyhow? Like Dr Seuss says, those who matter don't mind, & those who mind don't matter. It's as simple as that.

I used to think...

misc. journal entries ranging from October 2008 - January 2009

1) That which happened the other night (December 4, 2008) had so many facets. I used to think of a line, or at least a parabola on the page; but seeing it happen made it seem more like a line that juts from the page in a upward diagonal then - as a paint drop in a pool of water - rays out to envelop everything.

2) The recent change in me has come less from myself or from what the recent act inspired than my expectations on how it would change me. I am sadder at the moment for my knowledge gleaned , however sparse or dense it may turn out to be.

3) She is a different person when fitted with bedroom eyes. More hungry, less human. Not the girl I like. Just an empty animal stamp

4) Open windows are such a distraction.

5) you would have laughed at the Vagina Monologues but at least have held my hand through it & kissed me in the cold afterward to keep me warm.

6) (received HB message) "you're everything I'm not, someone wake me up. You leave me speechless, I could get used to this."

7) When you look at me I miss you so much

8) Los Angeles, killer queen. You're a world away so full of pollution , this close to falling into the ocean. But by day you're sparkling & full of rays bouncing from the lenses in Hollywood training toward the descending haze in the sky. Talk about heat.

9) "I don't want to be stuck in a catfight."
"I don't want you to have to be."

10) I like how you willingly switch the direction you're walking in & match your gait to mine.
I love your glasses.
I like how you open your arms when we're still 4 feet apart.
I love running into you.
I like you telling me little things about yourself.
I love your smile.
I love finally knowing you.

Sex On The Net

I just want to point out a couple of cool things that have recently happened in the world of Canadian-based sexuality websites.

Our favorite ladies over at the Red Tent Sisters shop have finessed their website & it looks absolutely beautiful. The website now has a ton of relevant information about the products, workshops, services, classes & events that Red Tent provides. If you live in Toronto (& even if you don't), you should check out the site because it is attractive & informative.

The Red Tent ladies have also started up another web project: EcoSex.ca. This is a dream-come-true resource for the eco-conscious sex-positive gal or fella. You can buy a number of eco-friendly sex products online, from toys to lubes to contraception aids to fertility books (& that's just the beginning). In addition (& perhaps even better), if you click on "Ask an EcoSexpert," you'll find extremely informative answers to common questions that come up when investigating how to have eco-conscious sex. I'm very happy with this resource & I think there needs to be way more like it on the web.

Hope you enjoyed these website recommendations. If you dig, check out the Red Tent Sisters Amy & Kim on Twitter, read their fabulous blog, or just come on down & see them at Danforth & Jones. (No, I am not in any way affiliated with RTS, nor did they in any way solicit me to write this!)

Video interview with Max

Click To Play

An interview with my brother, regarding his thoughts on sexuality, gender, homophobia in young people, etc. For a 14-year-old, he's a really, really smart kid.

Photos: Pride 2009!

in public

We're on the subway. Well, you are, but I'm not really there. Maybe you're talking about an exam, maybe I am staring at your eyes, but I'm not really there.
We're walking down Bloor, or, you are, but I'm not really there.
I'm floating in my head somewhere, too hot to touch, too paranoid to come out. You try to hold my hand, but it's like a stone. You try kissing me but I turn away. I'm watching the buisness man watching me. I'm watching people watching him watching me. I'm watching you paying attention to me, not them. I'm watching them watch you watching me.
I'm afraid to turn down a residential street away from crowds. I'm afraid to be seen touching you. I'm afraid for you, I'm afraid for me.
We're in a park. Well, you are, but I'm not really there. I'm watching a boy & a girl hold hands & kiss several feet away, wishing that I could do the same, wishing I didn't have to be afraid of loving you where others can see.
I'm afraid of being followed, of being called out, of being kicked, because I'm a girl, loving a girl in plain sight.

QSA 4 LYFE

So it looks like us Muskequeers will be running our school's Queer-Straight Alliance next year!
We are so delighted to have been presented with this opportunity.

We've talked over a few ideas for possible meetings & events - discussing local queer events & protests, bringing in guest artists, & of course planning our usual QSA events like the Unity Conference & the Day of Silence.

What would you want your QSA to do or discuss? (We'll particularly value your suggestions if you actually go to our school, but any ideas will be helpful.)