Saturday, October 31, 2009
heart burn
When I miss you, it feels like acid in my lungs. It feels like my blood is poison and this insatiable urge fills every hair on my body, every capillary. When I stay up all night all I feel is frantic to see you because once I do, the toxin will spill out.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Delete
Ever felt like this? I did today.
Your number's in my phone
I can't delete it, no
Your face is in my head
I wish that I was dead
I can't delete you, no
Love isn't easy, love isn't fun
Love cannot be for everyone
Your words can make me feel obsolete
It would be so easy to press delete
Your number's in my phone
I can't delete it, no
Your laugh rings in my ears
& beckons for the tears
I can't delete you, no
It's not that simple to say farewell
When I am still waiting for more of this hell
It's not that easy to chuck it all
When I am still waiting for you to call
I'm looking at the screen
Remembering you were mean
I go to press delete
Remembering you were sweet
Your number's in my phone
I tried, but don't you fret
I can't delete you yet
Your number's in my phone
I can't delete it, no
Your face is in my head
I wish that I was dead
I can't delete you, no
Love isn't easy, love isn't fun
Love cannot be for everyone
Your words can make me feel obsolete
It would be so easy to press delete
Your number's in my phone
I can't delete it, no
Your laugh rings in my ears
& beckons for the tears
I can't delete you, no
It's not that simple to say farewell
When I am still waiting for more of this hell
It's not that easy to chuck it all
When I am still waiting for you to call
I'm looking at the screen
Remembering you were mean
I go to press delete
Remembering you were sweet
Your number's in my phone
I tried, but don't you fret
I can't delete you yet
Possible lesson to be learned from last night
"Don't get your hopes up."
When I want something (or someone), I like to take the attitude that I am GOING TO get it. I visualize having it, I feel how it would feel to have it, I try to start acting like I've already got it. This is not only based on the Law of Attraction, but also just good common sense - you'll be more likely to get something if you've prepared enough to know how to deal when you do get it.
As a result of this mentality (e.g. referring to objects of affection as my "future boy/girlfriend," for one thing), I get the occasional negative person telling me not to "get my hopes up."
Personally I think this is bullshit. Obviously you should listen to your gut, so if it feels like you're definitely not going to get this thing, then you probably don't really want it anyway, & should walk away. But if you really, truly want it, & feel on a fairly regular basis that it is, in fact, within your grasp, get your fucking hopes up! If you get what you want (& you probably will), it will feel super fucking amazing - & if you don't, you'll come crashing down in a fabulous, dramatic blaze of glory! Emotion is always better than nothing at all, especially for creative artist-types, as much as you might try to deny it.
If it doesn't work out, write a song. Paint something. Eat some chocolate. Scribble on a piece of paper, then crumple it up & throw it across the room. Get in the shower & do some loud & vigorous EFT. Pop a couple 5-HTP capsules. Reach out to people who'll make you feel better. Buy yourself some flowers. Publish melodramatic blog posts or tweets (see here, here, & the very page you're on right now!). Punch a pillow. Take a walk. Spend the whole day in bed. Listen to music you love on a loop (soundtrack of my sad day today: Music For Tourists by Chris Garneau). Spend time in front of a mirror, either telling yourself you love you, or swearing an incoherent blue streak. Put on huge scarves & mittens to insulate yourself from the world. Cuddle a small animal (stuffed or real). Wear a wig. Take MySpace-angle photos of your tortured artist self. Tell yourself a dozen million times how awesome you are, in as many places, wordings, silly voices, & different outfits as you possibly can. Basically, OWN YOUR MISERY, then kick it in the face & send it packing.
No one can make you do or be anything you don't want to... & that includes emotions. Who the fuck says you have to be sad, angry, frustrated, humiliated, or anything else? You're the only one who can choose to be that way. & I say, if you choose to be miserable, do it big, allow it to inspire you in explosive ways, document the results to review in happier times, & then go do something else. Know, always, that you are loved, & that this too shall pass.
When I want something (or someone), I like to take the attitude that I am GOING TO get it. I visualize having it, I feel how it would feel to have it, I try to start acting like I've already got it. This is not only based on the Law of Attraction, but also just good common sense - you'll be more likely to get something if you've prepared enough to know how to deal when you do get it.
As a result of this mentality (e.g. referring to objects of affection as my "future boy/girlfriend," for one thing), I get the occasional negative person telling me not to "get my hopes up."
Personally I think this is bullshit. Obviously you should listen to your gut, so if it feels like you're definitely not going to get this thing, then you probably don't really want it anyway, & should walk away. But if you really, truly want it, & feel on a fairly regular basis that it is, in fact, within your grasp, get your fucking hopes up! If you get what you want (& you probably will), it will feel super fucking amazing - & if you don't, you'll come crashing down in a fabulous, dramatic blaze of glory! Emotion is always better than nothing at all, especially for creative artist-types, as much as you might try to deny it.
If it doesn't work out, write a song. Paint something. Eat some chocolate. Scribble on a piece of paper, then crumple it up & throw it across the room. Get in the shower & do some loud & vigorous EFT. Pop a couple 5-HTP capsules. Reach out to people who'll make you feel better. Buy yourself some flowers. Publish melodramatic blog posts or tweets (see here, here, & the very page you're on right now!). Punch a pillow. Take a walk. Spend the whole day in bed. Listen to music you love on a loop (soundtrack of my sad day today: Music For Tourists by Chris Garneau). Spend time in front of a mirror, either telling yourself you love you, or swearing an incoherent blue streak. Put on huge scarves & mittens to insulate yourself from the world. Cuddle a small animal (stuffed or real). Wear a wig. Take MySpace-angle photos of your tortured artist self. Tell yourself a dozen million times how awesome you are, in as many places, wordings, silly voices, & different outfits as you possibly can. Basically, OWN YOUR MISERY, then kick it in the face & send it packing.
No one can make you do or be anything you don't want to... & that includes emotions. Who the fuck says you have to be sad, angry, frustrated, humiliated, or anything else? You're the only one who can choose to be that way. & I say, if you choose to be miserable, do it big, allow it to inspire you in explosive ways, document the results to review in happier times, & then go do something else. Know, always, that you are loved, & that this too shall pass.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Terror
I have an elaborate, gimmicky, yet cute romantic confession planned for two days from now.
(I'll be able to give you more details on the actual plan after it's been put into action.)
The thing is, my brain & heart have been overtaken by an all-encompassing fear that it's not going to work out.
I'm trying to push through it, since all the things I love most in my life were the product of some kind of enormous risk... but it's hard.
We shall see.
(I'll be able to give you more details on the actual plan after it's been put into action.)
The thing is, my brain & heart have been overtaken by an all-encompassing fear that it's not going to work out.
I'm trying to push through it, since all the things I love most in my life were the product of some kind of enormous risk... but it's hard.
We shall see.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sonnet for S.
When first I saw your small, expressive face,
I knew it was to be a great romance.
Rebelled against my given social place,
And asked you, sweetly, meekly, to the dance.
And so we went; my crush grew through the spring.
You brought me roses; I began to fall.
I’d heard that love was such a fickle thing
But I could scarcely feel the slightest squall.
Then when, in autumn, you did subtly stray,
I took the high road, trying to forgive –
But you were mean, and made my world turn grey;
That winter was as long as love would live.
And so it was: a year from lust to rust,
Where love goes ash to ash and dust to dust.
I knew it was to be a great romance.
Rebelled against my given social place,
And asked you, sweetly, meekly, to the dance.
And so we went; my crush grew through the spring.
You brought me roses; I began to fall.
I’d heard that love was such a fickle thing
But I could scarcely feel the slightest squall.
Then when, in autumn, you did subtly stray,
I took the high road, trying to forgive –
But you were mean, and made my world turn grey;
That winter was as long as love would live.
And so it was: a year from lust to rust,
Where love goes ash to ash and dust to dust.
three-way date
brought together through music we were
a trio who could not would not
cease to sing. made toonies by the handful
on a gently indifferent street corner
in the middle of the
city. you were so beautiful
in the light of the lamp bringing me back to
the old days of falling in love with voices
and loveliness and love. and you
and he and i made a team so stunning
that policemen stopped on their beats
and chose not to ticket
the unauthorized busking band.
when night came and you liked him and
he liked me and i liked him and you and
we liked each other best, we ordered
three hot chocolates in the shop across the
street and shared a few silent warm moments
where there was only the triangular forcefield
making its message clear: this is
a three-way date, something you've never done
before and probably will never do again.
split your smile three paths in an elegant fork
and see it verge on merging, then merge
in the form of a song
that makes us more money the more we play.
each of us has both an instrument to wail on
and some love to pass on. we are not stingy
with our tender donations to this
band-becoming-something-else-something-more.
passersby can see the chemistry
forming in the clouds made by our hot breath
on the cold air. fingerless mittens and
out-of-tune strings. make this never stop.
make this never cease. make this never
end.
a trio who could not would not
cease to sing. made toonies by the handful
on a gently indifferent street corner
in the middle of the
city. you were so beautiful
in the light of the lamp bringing me back to
the old days of falling in love with voices
and loveliness and love. and you
and he and i made a team so stunning
that policemen stopped on their beats
and chose not to ticket
the unauthorized busking band.
when night came and you liked him and
he liked me and i liked him and you and
we liked each other best, we ordered
three hot chocolates in the shop across the
street and shared a few silent warm moments
where there was only the triangular forcefield
making its message clear: this is
a three-way date, something you've never done
before and probably will never do again.
split your smile three paths in an elegant fork
and see it verge on merging, then merge
in the form of a song
that makes us more money the more we play.
each of us has both an instrument to wail on
and some love to pass on. we are not stingy
with our tender donations to this
band-becoming-something-else-something-more.
passersby can see the chemistry
forming in the clouds made by our hot breath
on the cold air. fingerless mittens and
out-of-tune strings. make this never stop.
make this never cease. make this never
end.
Monday, October 12, 2009
hey, i like you
when i smile i smile with all my might
when i touch i touch with all my soul
when i laugh i laugh because it's funny
when i'm with you i notice i feel whole
when you wake up, do you think of me?
am i in your dreams when you're asleep?
i'm so damn shy i can't just ask you out
i send the signals but i do not make a peep
is that okay? are you confused?
when you go away, is it because you're bruised?
one of these days i'm gonna march right up
& say "hey, i like you - do you wanna go out sometime?"
why is that so hard? it should be so easy
i overanalyze every little thing
now i know that eye contact can be the devil's tool
& every time we do, i feel a ZING
one of these days i'm gonna march right up
& say "hey, i like you - do you wanna go out sometime?"
love ain't free, i know that now
you gotta risk to make it happen
love ain't cheap, i see that now
i took a risk, & look what happened
i'm so happy that i marched right up
& said, "hey, i like you - do you wanna go out sometime?"
when i touch i touch with all my soul
when i laugh i laugh because it's funny
when i'm with you i notice i feel whole
when you wake up, do you think of me?
am i in your dreams when you're asleep?
i'm so damn shy i can't just ask you out
i send the signals but i do not make a peep
is that okay? are you confused?
when you go away, is it because you're bruised?
one of these days i'm gonna march right up
& say "hey, i like you - do you wanna go out sometime?"
why is that so hard? it should be so easy
i overanalyze every little thing
now i know that eye contact can be the devil's tool
& every time we do, i feel a ZING
one of these days i'm gonna march right up
& say "hey, i like you - do you wanna go out sometime?"
love ain't free, i know that now
you gotta risk to make it happen
love ain't cheap, i see that now
i took a risk, & look what happened
i'm so happy that i marched right up
& said, "hey, i like you - do you wanna go out sometime?"
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Love letter
Dear __________,
Questions remain closed
but ready to be opened.
May I kiss you?
Would you like to go out sometime?
How do you feel about becoming my Boyfriend?
I tell dreamland stories
of tender embraces &
joint-custody journals.
One day I'll buy you
my favorite album & a
slice of pie & we'll
dance dance dance.
Candy, massages, photobooths,
impromptu public makeout sessions,
handholding without being asked,
chivalry without being told -
we'll do it all.
Thoughts become things but
these thoughts are particularly tricky.
I find myself floating away
from classes & mundane existence
to my reserved space between your
arms & your chest. So perfect.
I could be happy forever.
This is all I want.
Madly in like with you,
Kate
Questions remain closed
but ready to be opened.
May I kiss you?
Would you like to go out sometime?
How do you feel about becoming my Boyfriend?
I tell dreamland stories
of tender embraces &
joint-custody journals.
One day I'll buy you
my favorite album & a
slice of pie & we'll
dance dance dance.
Candy, massages, photobooths,
impromptu public makeout sessions,
handholding without being asked,
chivalry without being told -
we'll do it all.
Thoughts become things but
these thoughts are particularly tricky.
I find myself floating away
from classes & mundane existence
to my reserved space between your
arms & your chest. So perfect.
I could be happy forever.
This is all I want.
Madly in like with you,
Kate
slowly look
dark chocolate eyes
drip sex & expectation
moony, solitary
slowly slowly slowly
i can't
look
away.
your beauty is entrapment,
dark hurricane skies,
but safe, &
slowly simply slowly
i can't look
long enough.
drink you in &
gasp with glee
manifesting deep,
slowly simply sweetly
strangling & stifling
i can't look
at you in public
(scared of my own crazed reactions)
but i do.
drip sex & expectation
moony, solitary
slowly slowly slowly
i can't
look
away.
your beauty is entrapment,
dark hurricane skies,
but safe, &
slowly simply slowly
i can't look
long enough.
drink you in &
gasp with glee
manifesting deep,
slowly simply sweetly
strangling & stifling
i can't look
at you in public
(scared of my own crazed reactions)
but i do.
checklist of potential romantic awesomeness
IDEAL PARTNER QUALITIES
can (& does) make me laugh
as smart as, or smarter than, me
I feel like I can learn from them
gives me heart palpitations & stomach butterflies
has their own independent artsy projects
likes my music & doesn't mind me writing songs about them
good taste in music/movies/TV/books
positive/optimistic worldview
supportive of my endeavours
verbally & physically affectionate
appreciates my aesthetic efforts (clothes, makeup, etc.)
makes an effort/takes initiative
likes to go to plays, concerts, shows, etc.
can give & receive compliments
can give & receive material gifts
not self-important, but not self-deprecating
kind/sweet/nice
sociopolitically liberal/democratic
chivalrous/willing to make sacrifices/co-operative
listens to me!
verbally/emotionally expressive
not easily embarrassed
likes to cuddle/spoon/sleep in the same bed
has an interesting/unique way of thinking
keeps up with current events, or at least entertainment news
protects me/makes me feel safe
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