writer's block & comfort food

if you wanted to inspire
cataclysmic creation, the kind of which i know
i'm capable, you should've stuck it out
a little longer, let the love well up a little louder,
get a bit bigger & brighter before you
broke all the borders &
let it all loose.

the love was half-baked,
all creamy & goopy & not fully-formed,
not yet, then, now, ever.
premature evaporation:
the mortal enemy of all
angsty adolescent artists.

now there's nothing good to write or
paint or sing, just a flop & a mess
covering everything.

stay golden

if you don't wanna hurt me, then don't
if you don't wanna cheat, then stay faithful
if you'd rather avoid causing damage
then avoid it as best as you're able
stay golden

if you don't wanna bruise me, then stay away
but do it in your most affectionate way
stay golden

if you don't wanna make me pine for you
then tell me you'll always be mine like it's true
stay golden

imagine how different your life would be if you'd stayed
how different the lovers you always leave naked & splayed
go over the doubts, the what-ifs, & the weary if-only
& realize: if you destroy all your friends, you'll be lonely

if the apocalypse comes in a week
then you'll be left mumbling & meek
stay golden

& meet some new people but see
that they're not a replacement for me
stay golden

open your mind to the chance that you'll be changed
open your mind & let your silly self be rearranged
stop expecting love to make you feel small
you might even find you like it after all
stay golden

bye, kate

this is a story that isn't very
happy - on the 15th of january,
i went for coffee with my then-boyfriend
unaware it would soon come to an end

we talked & it was so ordinary
on that 15th of january
i cast away my slight distraction
the dead-dying-dead missing attraction

suddenly silence - my unhappy honey
said "you're so amazing - you're smart & you're funny
but you think i'm someone i really am not
i don't want to hurt you - i think we should stop"

i thought i would cry or scream or something
but i just sat & stared, feeling nothing
i guess i had known, i had known all along
i wish i cared more - it would make for better songs

he put on his coat & his scarf & his gloves
i was glad that i hadn't yet fallen in love
when there isn't much damage, there's not much to mend
he said "bye, kate" & that was the end

that was the end
we'll still be friends

my subconscious mind's worrisome antics

Since acquiring my First Official Boyfriend™...

December 21st
I dreamed about my booooyfriend, naturally. We were snuggling in bed & he began to discover that freakishly sensitive spot on the back of my left shoulder, kissing around until he hit it & I started to giggle & squirm.

December 22nd
Dreamed that Charlotte started to like Cadence & consequentially, Cadence & I had an extended debate about whether you can really "just start liking someone" after you've already known them for a while. My stance (which isn't actually true & I don't agree with in real life) was that you'll think someone is cute from the first meeting, & you'll always have a mini-crush on them, until you start to notice the "deeper details" & that makes it into a full-blown crush.

December 23rd
Dreamed about prom dress shopping. Wuh-oh. I really cannot tell at this point whether this relationship has tons of long-term potential or none at all, so it's hard (impossible) to imagine what June (prom month) will look like...

December 24th
Dream: he & I were in my room. We started to kiss, but he went through each step very methodically as per an ABCs WikiHow-esque protocol (Approach, Begin to move in, Closer, etc.).

December 26th
Had a dream wherein I was attacked by a bunch of men & then my former best friend saved the day by showing up & stabbing them all to death. Symbolic much? Sounds like I'm waiting for my ex-bestie to rescue me from the scary clutches of my boyfriend. (None of that is really true but I guess some of it might be, subconsciously.)

January 10th
I dreamed that we were making out & he suddenly said "I love you" & went on to say that he knows you're generally supposed to be together about three months before you say that, but his feelings were undeniable, etc. I did not respond in kind but I did tell him I was on the verge of falling & would be there soon (truth). At least I didn't say "thank you" like Ryan Atwood on The O.C.

January 13th
Ummm don't judge - I had a sex dream about my [subject omitted to protect the sexy innocent] teacher last night. That's so embarrassing & awesome.
I also had a dream that I had an old-fashioned, little-kid-style birthday party, to which Rejection-Boy shockingly showed up. His hair was gelled into a rockabilly pompadour & he looked goooood.
Odd that I had such romantic dreams & my boyf was nowhere to be seen... I still like him best though, don't you worry!

coded

I like the way her hair sits on her head, even when she wears a baseball cap like a douche bag. I like the way she smiles and veers right for me when she needs help. I like the way her hands are - strong and lithe and they make me quiver all up my spine when they touch over the work. I like her stature and the way she nods to me every time when I come in - I like I'm the most essential person there to her for a moment.
& her brown eyes and her skinny body and her arm hair and liver and clear and stressed mind. I like how she is so obsessed with the details, but she's such a boy sometimes and forgets order in the pursuit of a final result. I like how she just can't switch off and she is the biggest annoyance to everyone but me and they all wish she would shut up and the more I wish she would the more I want to hear her say my name and everything in her head and I want it NOW.
I love her art and the fact that she labours so hard towards the perfection we all want but she's taking the hard fast route. I like how she's a level below but on the same wavelength and all she still needs are the missing technicalities.
I like that every time I see her I get suprised and something new knocks me on the head. I like how when I think of her my eyes surely fill up with stars and how I must appear to float away.

mushy haikus written in the library today

kissing your rose mouth
feels intimate, delicious,
like sharing cherries.

face buried against
my soft welcoming chest, you
feel exquisite now.

my left shoulderblade
is hypersensitive to
your evil kisses.

you can seduce me
into immoral hijinks
in your cramped office.

desk in the corner:
sometimes practical surface,
sometimes makeshift bed.

our eyes alight with
mocking humour, we cut each
other down again.

you know how to touch
to make me gasp or giggle
when i oughtn't. whoops.

soon, i will take you
to meet my grandparents. the
pressure's on us both.

since sunshine exploded

oh dear you near you clear you i
like you i want you i need you
it breaks you it makes you it
shakes you i teeter and tumble
you smile and you mumble and
nervousness takes you like kisses
can quake you and i can't control you
but i'm bound to know you and
you won't regret me the day that
you met me and planets will travel
right into the gravel and stars
cannot touch you and i will not rush you
and talking is coded since sunshine
exploded and you are my darling my
sweet chirping starling

time stretches like baby pink bubblegum

time stretches like baby pink bubblegum
between our aching mouths sore from
talking into kissing then connecting
in more ways than i (at first) knew how -

& your brown brown eyes search for signs
that some part of me is lying but
my body & my words, when faced with you,
can only tell the naked bright white truth.

exhaled against your lips a silent prayer
that you would never leave me, you'll stay tied,
confined, but nicely, sweetly, trapped by girlish wiles
& knowing no one has it better
than you & me as we
sink slowly at starbucks & streetfolk stare.

the lifeblood of this love-precursor lies in the
languid details, the way i'm weird & you're weirder
& we both think weird's kind of wow. 'cause normal people
are boring, you know it, i know it,
& i also know i'm never bored
by you.

a chronology of us so far

December 20th
So basically, I have the boyfriend I've been wanting for seven months... I don't even know how to express in writing how happy I am so I won't try. But I'm VERY happy.

December 21st
You know what's kind of great? He's a full fourteen inches taller than me, so I physically cannot kiss him unless I stand on something or he leans down. I like this - it's very chivalrous & old-worldly & lovely.

December 22nd
i. A common question these days: "So how is this going to affect your improv?" My usual answer: "I guess we'll find out, won't we!" We have an exhibition night coming up really soon so I hope our improv chemistry doesn't tank as a result of our real-life chemistry finally being acknowledged.

ii. Based on my Date Evaluation System which I half-jokingly devised in July (whose point system, due to lack of organization, ranges from -62 to +97), our first date gets a score of +69, which is (so say the numbers) the best date I've ever been on. I actually laughed out loud while doing the evaluation because some of the criteria fit so perfectly - e.g. +6 if they reveal an intimate secret about themself (neither of us can go an hour without revealing our intimate secrets); +5 if we hold hands or link arms (or both) with an additional +5 if it's initiated by them; +8 if they say some variation of "I really like you" (or, you know, those exact words!).

December 23rd
A part of me keeps feeling like this is somehow wrong... but it's probably just nerves over the whole "first boyfriend" thing, which is all so new & foreign - except for those moments where we're fitting together & we're laughing & it feels like it's been this way forever, like we've been going out for months & months already, are established, are gorgeously comfortable & lovey-dovey (oh I do hate that word, but it works here). I'm definitely still figuring all this out & it's going to take some time for me to fully trust, accept, & forgive him. But right now the thought of him makes me feel swoony about 58% of the time which is more than can be said of almost anyone else in the world.

December 24th
Every time my hands get cold, I think of him.

December 27th
Very interesting fact: both of his parents are Taureans so he knows aaall about the kind of strength, stubbornness, vivacity, & intensity he can expect from me.

December 28th
At one point we were at a busy intersection, & Kathleen said in her responsible-teacher voice, "Everyone hold hands with a buddy!" He said "I've got my buddy!" & indicated our intertwined hands.

December 29th
Hey, Kate? Remember, always, because I know you tend to forget: he likes you, he wants to touch you, he calls you every night, he grabs for your hand, he holds you, he buries his face in your hair, he thinks you're cute & pretty & amazing, HE asked YOU out, he cares about you, he wants to spend time with you... Never doubt these things, even though you're prone to, because they are true. Unequivocally & objectively.

December 30th
Uh, so, yeah, basically I have the best boyfriend ever (clingy & romantic, yet masculine? nerdy & smart, yet down-to-earth? WHAT?!) & I am starting to feel like I could fall in love with him very quickly very soon, though I don't really have the slightest clue what that is supposed to feel like.

December 31st
"Stop that, it's making my skin crawl!"
"If your skin were literally crawling, there would be [green alien blood?] under it, which would have a potent smell..." (geeky tangent about crawly skin as per sci-fi logic)
(sarcastically) "You're making me feel sooo beautiful & attractive..."
"No, I was saying you DON'T have that [green alien blood or whatever], so actually you ARE!"
"Oh. Okay. Glad you think so."

January 1st
Oh, hello, 2010! I have someone to share you with! That is kind of really ridiculously awesome. Wow. Here we go.