No matter what these idiots shout at funerals...
No matter how anyone may have misinterpreted the words of the bible...
No matter what anyone writes on their hate-filled & madness-driven picket signs...
Please, please know that you are loved. If God exists, then God loves you. In your heart of hearts, you know that anything else would be unfathomable. Why, WHY would any creator create all this, if not out of unconditional, rapturous love?
Feel the love. It's there for you. It's everywhere for you. I promise.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Get out of my head
I've been trying for years
There's too little to cling to and there's so much unsaid
and the way you look right through me..
I never said I loved you but you're probably the closest in my thoughts
to that faraway image of me being happy with someone as perfect as you
but you look right through me and you'll never come back again so get out get out get out gey out get out
get out of my head.
I've been trying for years
There's too little to cling to and there's so much unsaid
and the way you look right through me..
I never said I loved you but you're probably the closest in my thoughts
to that faraway image of me being happy with someone as perfect as you
but you look right through me and you'll never come back again so get out get out get out gey out get out
get out of my head.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Guess That Orientation!
A girl is riding down a busy street on a beaten-up turquoise bike that belongs in a scrap heap. She has short, androgynous hair hiding under a big awkward blue helmet and a canvas bag wrapped around the handle-bars. She is wearing mascara, an old Tegan and Sara shirt and tight black capri pants. She has girly leather shoes with small heels. A ring shaped like a knut around her thumb.
So here's the question:
Is this girl a) a femme on the down-low b) butch forced by crazy parents to get girly shoes c) a baby dyke not yet sure of how to look gay.
Okay, that was easy, how about this:
Tara likes coffee. She gets her coffee everyday from Real Dykes Drink Diesel, a local coffee shop. Tara has been stalking the barista, Kelli, for months. She is afraid to ask Kelli out, for fear that Kelli is not gay and would ban Tara from the coffee shop. Tara needs to know if Kelli is gay before she makes her move.
Kelli has: long hair, short nails, glasses, no tattoos, a lip ring, wears pink, and carries a purse.
If we take into consideration the fact that lots of straight girls work in gay coffee houses,
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF KELLI BEING A LEZ?
Kelli has: long hair, short nails, glasses, no tattoos, a lip ring, wears pink, and carries a purse.
If we take into consideration the fact that lots of straight girls work in gay coffee houses,
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF KELLI BEING A LEZ?
Aaaand lastly,
This girl is smart. Like, top grade of the entire school smart. She has long hair with bangs and glasses that are a bit geeky. She is always talking about existentialist theories and Virginia Woolf. She wears her hair back all the time and wears corduroy pants. Her nails are short, but she also plays guitar and the banjo. She's best friends with a lesbian. She has been known to wear dresses but never anything distinctly boyish, save for shoes that belong on an old man.
Guess her number on the Kinsey scale.
ps. if you don't know the Kinsey scale shame on you.
pps. if you know me and you know who any of these people are, sorry, I didn't mean offense. I just tweaked. I picked them because they were hard to guess.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
a dream
I dreamed I was working at a café/bookstore, as were mom & dad. _____ came to visit me as I was closing up for the evening. We were casually talking, & as I was reading things on the bulletin board, she wrapped her arms around me from behind & very sensually kissed my shoulderblade. We proceeded to physically flirt all the way to the park, where they were holding a grotesque, humongous pig-eating contest. I said hi to Charlotte, & told her I liked her suit, which was striped white & pale orange. Zoe was there, flirting with a boy named Charlie. ______ & I held hands as we walked over to see Kaiya & Olga, but I woke up before we got there.
Monday, June 28, 2010
I miss that goddamn nuisance.
WARNING: This post contains information about menstruation (GASP!), so if you are not into that, leave now, rather than writing me rude comments later. Thanks.
I have an ovarian cyst.
This means I only have about six periods each year, on average.
Right now it's June & I haven't had one since February.
For me, there is a certain amount of shame associated with telling other girls & women about this - not because I'm embarrassed about my physical condition, but because their immediate reaction is almost always, "You haven't had a period in ____ months? You're so lucky!!"
Here are three reasons my ovarian cyst does not, in fact, make me "lucky":
1. At any moment, it could be twisting around my ovary on the slow path to an explosive medical mishap that would land me a spot in the emergency room. The only way to monitor the cyst is to do these incredibly aggravating pelvic ultrasounds every once in a while. Let me tell you, one pelvic ultrasound is one too many.
2. When I do menstruate, it tends to be heavy (2 or 3 DivaCups' worth each day), last a long time (my record is 14 days; the average is about 6), & be riddled with cramps & emotional imbalance.
3. When it's been a long time since I've bled, I actually start to miss it. I feel like I'm missing out on a key part of my femininity by menstruating so rarely. I feel disconnected from my pure, primal womanhood, like I'm not really a member of the club, not really a strong, beautiful, healthy, sexy woman. Not to mention, I love my DivaCup & it bums me out that I don't have even more opportunities to use it to do good for the environment & for my body!
So no, I'm not "lucky" just because I menstruate less often than you. Stop making me feel like a spoiled brat for having a legitimate medical problem. If you're determined to be jealous of me, I'm sure you can find better, less offensive reasons! ;P
I have an ovarian cyst.
This means I only have about six periods each year, on average.
Right now it's June & I haven't had one since February.
For me, there is a certain amount of shame associated with telling other girls & women about this - not because I'm embarrassed about my physical condition, but because their immediate reaction is almost always, "You haven't had a period in ____ months? You're so lucky!!"
Here are three reasons my ovarian cyst does not, in fact, make me "lucky":
1. At any moment, it could be twisting around my ovary on the slow path to an explosive medical mishap that would land me a spot in the emergency room. The only way to monitor the cyst is to do these incredibly aggravating pelvic ultrasounds every once in a while. Let me tell you, one pelvic ultrasound is one too many.
2. When I do menstruate, it tends to be heavy (2 or 3 DivaCups' worth each day), last a long time (my record is 14 days; the average is about 6), & be riddled with cramps & emotional imbalance.
3. When it's been a long time since I've bled, I actually start to miss it. I feel like I'm missing out on a key part of my femininity by menstruating so rarely. I feel disconnected from my pure, primal womanhood, like I'm not really a member of the club, not really a strong, beautiful, healthy, sexy woman. Not to mention, I love my DivaCup & it bums me out that I don't have even more opportunities to use it to do good for the environment & for my body!
So no, I'm not "lucky" just because I menstruate less often than you. Stop making me feel like a spoiled brat for having a legitimate medical problem. If you're determined to be jealous of me, I'm sure you can find better, less offensive reasons! ;P
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Insubstantial Voice
Here's the problem:
My voice doesn't suit my needs
I need to be loud, to be heard
People need to see when I'm angry
but it you heard my voice you'd ignore me in a second.
I'm tired of having an insubstantial voice
I don't even recognoze it
I've spent my life with this voice and I still can't recognize when it's me talking.
The first thing she told me was that my voice was unexpected
and she never listened to me when I tried to say
it's over, insubstantial voice.
I'll sew a trumpet to my face instead.
My voice doesn't suit my needs
I need to be loud, to be heard
People need to see when I'm angry
but it you heard my voice you'd ignore me in a second.
I'm tired of having an insubstantial voice
I don't even recognoze it
I've spent my life with this voice and I still can't recognize when it's me talking.
The first thing she told me was that my voice was unexpected
and she never listened to me when I tried to say
it's over, insubstantial voice.
I'll sew a trumpet to my face instead.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
commitmentphobes
fuck commitmentphobes.
you're not scared to touch me;
you're just scared to say you love me.
you're just slightly like my father
& you wonder why this bugs me?
it takes guts to say "i like you"
but i do it every day.
do you notice? 'course you notice!
it's just not a game you're brave enough to play.
i bought you flowers, tokens
of this irritating attraction
but you stared over my shoulder,
pumping your veins with liquid distraction.
probably on purpose,
to elicit my reaction.
you probably thought i'd leave,
but if you'd think for just a fraction
of a second, you would see
that this is not my kind of action.
fuck commitmentphobes
& your slippery slimy hands.
i never liked your stupid moustache.
never liked your emo bands.
fuck the way you're like an ostrich,
head submerged beneath the sand.
fuck the way you run away from all uncharted lands.
here's a newsflash, honey:
hard-to-get's not sexy.
no, it's not your face that's funny -
it's your distance that's perplexed me.
relationships are one plus one
plus sharing. talking. bonding. freeing.
when your gaze glazes over
i wish i knew what you were seeing.
i KNOW i'm great. i KNOW i'm hot.
i KNOW that's not the issue, lover.
it took a lot of pondering,
but the problem, i've discovered,
is that you are insecure.
you think a better life will tempt me.
so you drift away, more each day -
you think it's better to pre-empt me.
here's another newsflash:
i don't leave if i feel loved
& closeness makes me want to stay.
& if it's what you want to hear,
i'll say again what i say every day:
i really, truly like you, okay?!
no, maybe it's not okay.
'cause i deserve better
than someone who'll make me feel alone,
& i deserve so much better
than someone who refuses to think of me as home.
or someone who calls me too clingy
if i pick up a phone.
or someone who doesn't wanna hear who i am,
just wants to hear me moan.
fuck commitmentphobes.
fuck your whole species.
if this is your thesis,
then kindly release me.
i'm done trying to act like i'm "cool."
i've never wanted to be "cool."
i want to care, i want to fall open
but i can't with a lover who's romantically frozen.
you thought i'd leave you for someone better?
i'm leaving 'cause alone feels better than together.
i'd rather date myself - just me.
god knows i make better company.
's'that jealousy i hear? you jealous of me?
i guess you shoulda taken better care of me.
yeah, fuck you, commitmentphobe
for being so distant.
this boat is damn fine but you've gone & missed it.
this girl is damn fine but you ditched & you dissed it.
this story's the truth so don't try & twist it:
from the moment you saw this & wanted to kiss it,
we both needed risk but you're too chicken to risk it.
you're not scared to touch me;
you're just scared to say you love me.
you're just slightly like my father
& you wonder why this bugs me?
it takes guts to say "i like you"
but i do it every day.
do you notice? 'course you notice!
it's just not a game you're brave enough to play.
i bought you flowers, tokens
of this irritating attraction
but you stared over my shoulder,
pumping your veins with liquid distraction.
probably on purpose,
to elicit my reaction.
you probably thought i'd leave,
but if you'd think for just a fraction
of a second, you would see
that this is not my kind of action.
fuck commitmentphobes
& your slippery slimy hands.
i never liked your stupid moustache.
never liked your emo bands.
fuck the way you're like an ostrich,
head submerged beneath the sand.
fuck the way you run away from all uncharted lands.
here's a newsflash, honey:
hard-to-get's not sexy.
no, it's not your face that's funny -
it's your distance that's perplexed me.
relationships are one plus one
plus sharing. talking. bonding. freeing.
when your gaze glazes over
i wish i knew what you were seeing.
i KNOW i'm great. i KNOW i'm hot.
i KNOW that's not the issue, lover.
it took a lot of pondering,
but the problem, i've discovered,
is that you are insecure.
you think a better life will tempt me.
so you drift away, more each day -
you think it's better to pre-empt me.
here's another newsflash:
i don't leave if i feel loved
& closeness makes me want to stay.
& if it's what you want to hear,
i'll say again what i say every day:
i really, truly like you, okay?!
no, maybe it's not okay.
'cause i deserve better
than someone who'll make me feel alone,
& i deserve so much better
than someone who refuses to think of me as home.
or someone who calls me too clingy
if i pick up a phone.
or someone who doesn't wanna hear who i am,
just wants to hear me moan.
fuck commitmentphobes.
fuck your whole species.
if this is your thesis,
then kindly release me.
i'm done trying to act like i'm "cool."
i've never wanted to be "cool."
i want to care, i want to fall open
but i can't with a lover who's romantically frozen.
you thought i'd leave you for someone better?
i'm leaving 'cause alone feels better than together.
i'd rather date myself - just me.
god knows i make better company.
's'that jealousy i hear? you jealous of me?
i guess you shoulda taken better care of me.
yeah, fuck you, commitmentphobe
for being so distant.
this boat is damn fine but you've gone & missed it.
this girl is damn fine but you ditched & you dissed it.
this story's the truth so don't try & twist it:
from the moment you saw this & wanted to kiss it,
we both needed risk but you're too chicken to risk it.
Monday, February 15, 2010
a messy manifesto of my romantic future
Romantic confessions. Letters sealed with kisses & spritzed with perfume. Heart-shaped jewelry.
Big bouquets of colorful flowers. Boys with glasses & tattoos. Midnight picnics. Sunny days.
Endless snuggles. Being the little spoon. Borrowing his clothes.
Big pink lips just ripe for the kissin'.
"I like you so much."
Virgo boys. Soft, touchable hair. Improv shows.
All-night-long phone conversations. Journals full of just one person. Declarations of love.
Fidelity. Trust. Honesty to the point of dorkiness.
Objects with sentimental value. Movie theatres. Coffee shops. Breakfast in bed. Purple hair. Labret piercings. Leather jackets. Fauxhawks. Bedhead. Big toothy grins.
Hands on hips. Hands on waists. Hands in my pockets. Holding hands.
Writing love songs. Streetcar rides. Leaning my head on his shoulder.
Truth or dare. Hickeys. Learning to please.
Introducing him to my family. Meeting his family.
Accidental discoveries of eccentric erogenous zones. Relentless giggling. Private-ish nooks.
Lingerie. Short fingernails. Crunchy tongues. Leather boots. Whirlwind romances.
Quirks. Board games. "You're my favorite."
Gross coupley photobooth strips. All-nighters. Dinner parties.
Androgyny. Acceptance. Nerding out. Adorably bad drawings. Getting dolled up. A duel of wits.
"I'm so in love with you."
Massages. Slow-dancing. Falling asleep in his arms. Warmth. Joy.
Big bouquets of colorful flowers. Boys with glasses & tattoos. Midnight picnics. Sunny days.
Endless snuggles. Being the little spoon. Borrowing his clothes.
Big pink lips just ripe for the kissin'.
"I like you so much."
Virgo boys. Soft, touchable hair. Improv shows.
All-night-long phone conversations. Journals full of just one person. Declarations of love.
Fidelity. Trust. Honesty to the point of dorkiness.
Objects with sentimental value. Movie theatres. Coffee shops. Breakfast in bed. Purple hair. Labret piercings. Leather jackets. Fauxhawks. Bedhead. Big toothy grins.
Hands on hips. Hands on waists. Hands in my pockets. Holding hands.
Writing love songs. Streetcar rides. Leaning my head on his shoulder.
Truth or dare. Hickeys. Learning to please.
Introducing him to my family. Meeting his family.
Accidental discoveries of eccentric erogenous zones. Relentless giggling. Private-ish nooks.
Lingerie. Short fingernails. Crunchy tongues. Leather boots. Whirlwind romances.
Quirks. Board games. "You're my favorite."
Gross coupley photobooth strips. All-nighters. Dinner parties.
Androgyny. Acceptance. Nerding out. Adorably bad drawings. Getting dolled up. A duel of wits.
"I'm so in love with you."
Massages. Slow-dancing. Falling asleep in his arms. Warmth. Joy.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
writer's block & comfort food
if you wanted to inspire
cataclysmic creation, the kind of which i know
i'm capable, you should've stuck it out
a little longer, let the love well up a little louder,
get a bit bigger & brighter before you
broke all the borders &
let it all loose.
the love was half-baked,
all creamy & goopy & not fully-formed,
not yet, then, now, ever.
premature evaporation:
the mortal enemy of all
angsty adolescent artists.
now there's nothing good to write or
paint or sing, just a flop & a mess
covering everything.
cataclysmic creation, the kind of which i know
i'm capable, you should've stuck it out
a little longer, let the love well up a little louder,
get a bit bigger & brighter before you
broke all the borders &
let it all loose.
the love was half-baked,
all creamy & goopy & not fully-formed,
not yet, then, now, ever.
premature evaporation:
the mortal enemy of all
angsty adolescent artists.
now there's nothing good to write or
paint or sing, just a flop & a mess
covering everything.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
stay golden
if you don't wanna hurt me, then don't
if you don't wanna cheat, then stay faithful
if you'd rather avoid causing damage
then avoid it as best as you're able
stay golden
if you don't wanna bruise me, then stay away
but do it in your most affectionate way
stay golden
if you don't wanna make me pine for you
then tell me you'll always be mine like it's true
stay golden
imagine how different your life would be if you'd stayed
how different the lovers you always leave naked & splayed
go over the doubts, the what-ifs, & the weary if-only
& realize: if you destroy all your friends, you'll be lonely
if the apocalypse comes in a week
then you'll be left mumbling & meek
stay golden
& meet some new people but see
that they're not a replacement for me
stay golden
open your mind to the chance that you'll be changed
open your mind & let your silly self be rearranged
stop expecting love to make you feel small
you might even find you like it after all
stay golden
if you don't wanna cheat, then stay faithful
if you'd rather avoid causing damage
then avoid it as best as you're able
stay golden
if you don't wanna bruise me, then stay away
but do it in your most affectionate way
stay golden
if you don't wanna make me pine for you
then tell me you'll always be mine like it's true
stay golden
imagine how different your life would be if you'd stayed
how different the lovers you always leave naked & splayed
go over the doubts, the what-ifs, & the weary if-only
& realize: if you destroy all your friends, you'll be lonely
if the apocalypse comes in a week
then you'll be left mumbling & meek
stay golden
& meet some new people but see
that they're not a replacement for me
stay golden
open your mind to the chance that you'll be changed
open your mind & let your silly self be rearranged
stop expecting love to make you feel small
you might even find you like it after all
stay golden
Saturday, January 16, 2010
bye, kate
this is a story that isn't very
happy - on the 15th of january,
i went for coffee with my then-boyfriend
unaware it would soon come to an end
we talked & it was so ordinary
on that 15th of january
i cast away my slight distraction
the dead-dying-dead missing attraction
suddenly silence - my unhappy honey
said "you're so amazing - you're smart & you're funny
but you think i'm someone i really am not
i don't want to hurt you - i think we should stop"
i thought i would cry or scream or something
but i just sat & stared, feeling nothing
i guess i had known, i had known all along
i wish i cared more - it would make for better songs
he put on his coat & his scarf & his gloves
i was glad that i hadn't yet fallen in love
when there isn't much damage, there's not much to mend
he said "bye, kate" & that was the end
that was the end
we'll still be friends
happy - on the 15th of january,
i went for coffee with my then-boyfriend
unaware it would soon come to an end
we talked & it was so ordinary
on that 15th of january
i cast away my slight distraction
the dead-dying-dead missing attraction
suddenly silence - my unhappy honey
said "you're so amazing - you're smart & you're funny
but you think i'm someone i really am not
i don't want to hurt you - i think we should stop"
i thought i would cry or scream or something
but i just sat & stared, feeling nothing
i guess i had known, i had known all along
i wish i cared more - it would make for better songs
he put on his coat & his scarf & his gloves
i was glad that i hadn't yet fallen in love
when there isn't much damage, there's not much to mend
he said "bye, kate" & that was the end
that was the end
we'll still be friends
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
my subconscious mind's worrisome antics
Since acquiring my First Official Boyfriend™...
December 21st
I dreamed about my booooyfriend, naturally. We were snuggling in bed & he began to discover that freakishly sensitive spot on the back of my left shoulder, kissing around until he hit it & I started to giggle & squirm.
December 22nd
Dreamed that Charlotte started to like Cadence & consequentially, Cadence & I had an extended debate about whether you can really "just start liking someone" after you've already known them for a while. My stance (which isn't actually true & I don't agree with in real life) was that you'll think someone is cute from the first meeting, & you'll always have a mini-crush on them, until you start to notice the "deeper details" & that makes it into a full-blown crush.
December 23rd
Dreamed about prom dress shopping. Wuh-oh. I really cannot tell at this point whether this relationship has tons of long-term potential or none at all, so it's hard (impossible) to imagine what June (prom month) will look like...
December 24th
Dream: he & I were in my room. We started to kiss, but he went through each step very methodically as per an ABCs WikiHow-esque protocol (Approach, Begin to move in, Closer, etc.).
December 26th
Had a dream wherein I was attacked by a bunch of men & then my former best friend saved the day by showing up & stabbing them all to death. Symbolic much? Sounds like I'm waiting for my ex-bestie to rescue me from the scary clutches of my boyfriend. (None of that is really true but I guess some of it might be, subconsciously.)
January 10th
I dreamed that we were making out & he suddenly said "I love you" & went on to say that he knows you're generally supposed to be together about three months before you say that, but his feelings were undeniable, etc. I did not respond in kind but I did tell him I was on the verge of falling & would be there soon (truth). At least I didn't say "thank you" like Ryan Atwood on The O.C.
January 13th
Ummm don't judge - I had a sex dream about my [subject omitted to protect thesexy innocent] teacher last night. That's so embarrassing & awesome.
I also had a dream that I had an old-fashioned, little-kid-style birthday party, to which Rejection-Boy shockingly showed up. His hair was gelled into a rockabilly pompadour & he looked goooood.
Odd that I had such romantic dreams & my boyf was nowhere to be seen... I still like him best though, don't you worry!
December 21st
I dreamed about my booooyfriend, naturally. We were snuggling in bed & he began to discover that freakishly sensitive spot on the back of my left shoulder, kissing around until he hit it & I started to giggle & squirm.
December 22nd
Dreamed that Charlotte started to like Cadence & consequentially, Cadence & I had an extended debate about whether you can really "just start liking someone" after you've already known them for a while. My stance (which isn't actually true & I don't agree with in real life) was that you'll think someone is cute from the first meeting, & you'll always have a mini-crush on them, until you start to notice the "deeper details" & that makes it into a full-blown crush.
December 23rd
Dreamed about prom dress shopping. Wuh-oh. I really cannot tell at this point whether this relationship has tons of long-term potential or none at all, so it's hard (impossible) to imagine what June (prom month) will look like...
December 24th
Dream: he & I were in my room. We started to kiss, but he went through each step very methodically as per an ABCs WikiHow-esque protocol (Approach, Begin to move in, Closer, etc.).
December 26th
Had a dream wherein I was attacked by a bunch of men & then my former best friend saved the day by showing up & stabbing them all to death. Symbolic much? Sounds like I'm waiting for my ex-bestie to rescue me from the scary clutches of my boyfriend. (None of that is really true but I guess some of it might be, subconsciously.)
January 10th
I dreamed that we were making out & he suddenly said "I love you" & went on to say that he knows you're generally supposed to be together about three months before you say that, but his feelings were undeniable, etc. I did not respond in kind but I did tell him I was on the verge of falling & would be there soon (truth). At least I didn't say "thank you" like Ryan Atwood on The O.C.
January 13th
Ummm don't judge - I had a sex dream about my [subject omitted to protect the
I also had a dream that I had an old-fashioned, little-kid-style birthday party, to which Rejection-Boy shockingly showed up. His hair was gelled into a rockabilly pompadour & he looked goooood.
Odd that I had such romantic dreams & my boyf was nowhere to be seen... I still like him best though, don't you worry!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
coded
I like the way her hair sits on her head, even when she wears a baseball cap like a douche bag. I like the way she smiles and veers right for me when she needs help. I like the way her hands are - strong and lithe and they make me quiver all up my spine when they touch over the work. I like her stature and the way she nods to me every time when I come in - I like I'm the most essential person there to her for a moment.
& her brown eyes and her skinny body and her arm hair and liver and clear and stressed mind. I like how she is so obsessed with the details, but she's such a boy sometimes and forgets order in the pursuit of a final result. I like how she just can't switch off and she is the biggest annoyance to everyone but me and they all wish she would shut up and the more I wish she would the more I want to hear her say my name and everything in her head and I want it NOW.
I love her art and the fact that she labours so hard towards the perfection we all want but she's taking the hard fast route. I like how she's a level below but on the same wavelength and all she still needs are the missing technicalities.
I like that every time I see her I get suprised and something new knocks me on the head. I like how when I think of her my eyes surely fill up with stars and how I must appear to float away.
& her brown eyes and her skinny body and her arm hair and liver and clear and stressed mind. I like how she is so obsessed with the details, but she's such a boy sometimes and forgets order in the pursuit of a final result. I like how she just can't switch off and she is the biggest annoyance to everyone but me and they all wish she would shut up and the more I wish she would the more I want to hear her say my name and everything in her head and I want it NOW.
I love her art and the fact that she labours so hard towards the perfection we all want but she's taking the hard fast route. I like how she's a level below but on the same wavelength and all she still needs are the missing technicalities.
I like that every time I see her I get suprised and something new knocks me on the head. I like how when I think of her my eyes surely fill up with stars and how I must appear to float away.
Monday, January 11, 2010
mushy haikus written in the library today
kissing your rose mouth
feels intimate, delicious,
like sharing cherries.
face buried against
my soft welcoming chest, you
feel exquisite now.
my left shoulderblade
is hypersensitive to
your evil kisses.
you can seduce me
into immoral hijinks
in your cramped office.
desk in the corner:
sometimes practical surface,
sometimes makeshift bed.
our eyes alight with
mocking humour, we cut each
other down again.
you know how to touch
to make me gasp or giggle
when i oughtn't. whoops.
soon, i will take you
to meet my grandparents. the
pressure's on us both.
feels intimate, delicious,
like sharing cherries.
face buried against
my soft welcoming chest, you
feel exquisite now.
my left shoulderblade
is hypersensitive to
your evil kisses.
you can seduce me
into immoral hijinks
in your cramped office.
desk in the corner:
sometimes practical surface,
sometimes makeshift bed.
our eyes alight with
mocking humour, we cut each
other down again.
you know how to touch
to make me gasp or giggle
when i oughtn't. whoops.
soon, i will take you
to meet my grandparents. the
pressure's on us both.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
since sunshine exploded
oh dear you near you clear you i
like you i want you i need you
it breaks you it makes you it
shakes you i teeter and tumble
you smile and you mumble and
nervousness takes you like kisses
can quake you and i can't control you
but i'm bound to know you and
you won't regret me the day that
you met me and planets will travel
right into the gravel and stars
cannot touch you and i will not rush you
and talking is coded since sunshine
exploded and you are my darling my
sweet chirping starling
like you i want you i need you
it breaks you it makes you it
shakes you i teeter and tumble
you smile and you mumble and
nervousness takes you like kisses
can quake you and i can't control you
but i'm bound to know you and
you won't regret me the day that
you met me and planets will travel
right into the gravel and stars
cannot touch you and i will not rush you
and talking is coded since sunshine
exploded and you are my darling my
sweet chirping starling
Monday, January 4, 2010
time stretches like baby pink bubblegum
time stretches like baby pink bubblegum
between our aching mouths sore from
talking into kissing then connecting
in more ways than i (at first) knew how -
& your brown brown eyes search for signs
that some part of me is lying but
my body & my words, when faced with you,
can only tell the naked bright white truth.
exhaled against your lips a silent prayer
that you would never leave me, you'll stay tied,
confined, but nicely, sweetly, trapped by girlish wiles
& knowing no one has it better
than you & me as we
sink slowly at starbucks & streetfolk stare.
the lifeblood of this love-precursor lies in the
languid details, the way i'm weird & you're weirder
& we both think weird's kind of wow. 'cause normal people
are boring, you know it, i know it,
& i also know i'm never bored
by you.
between our aching mouths sore from
talking into kissing then connecting
in more ways than i (at first) knew how -
& your brown brown eyes search for signs
that some part of me is lying but
my body & my words, when faced with you,
can only tell the naked bright white truth.
exhaled against your lips a silent prayer
that you would never leave me, you'll stay tied,
confined, but nicely, sweetly, trapped by girlish wiles
& knowing no one has it better
than you & me as we
sink slowly at starbucks & streetfolk stare.
the lifeblood of this love-precursor lies in the
languid details, the way i'm weird & you're weirder
& we both think weird's kind of wow. 'cause normal people
are boring, you know it, i know it,
& i also know i'm never bored
by you.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
a chronology of us so far
December 20th
So basically, I have the boyfriend I've been wanting for seven months... I don't even know how to express in writing how happy I am so I won't try. But I'm VERY happy.
December 21st
You know what's kind of great? He's a full fourteen inches taller than me, so I physically cannot kiss him unless I stand on something or he leans down. I like this - it's very chivalrous & old-worldly & lovely.
December 22nd
i. A common question these days: "So how is this going to affect your improv?" My usual answer: "I guess we'll find out, won't we!" We have an exhibition night coming up really soon so I hope our improv chemistry doesn't tank as a result of our real-life chemistry finally being acknowledged.
ii. Based on my Date Evaluation System which I half-jokingly devised in July (whose point system, due to lack of organization, ranges from -62 to +97), our first date gets a score of +69, which is (so say the numbers) the best date I've ever been on. I actually laughed out loud while doing the evaluation because some of the criteria fit so perfectly - e.g. +6 if they reveal an intimate secret about themself (neither of us can go an hour without revealing our intimate secrets); +5 if we hold hands or link arms (or both) with an additional +5 if it's initiated by them; +8 if they say some variation of "I really like you" (or, you know, those exact words!).
December 23rd
A part of me keeps feeling like this is somehow wrong... but it's probably just nerves over the whole "first boyfriend" thing, which is all so new & foreign - except for those moments where we're fitting together & we're laughing & it feels like it's been this way forever, like we've been going out for months & months already, are established, are gorgeously comfortable & lovey-dovey (oh I do hate that word, but it works here). I'm definitely still figuring all this out & it's going to take some time for me to fully trust, accept, & forgive him. But right now the thought of him makes me feel swoony about 58% of the time which is more than can be said of almost anyone else in the world.
December 24th
Every time my hands get cold, I think of him.
December 27th
Very interesting fact: both of his parents are Taureans so he knows aaall about the kind of strength, stubbornness, vivacity, & intensity he can expect from me.
December 28th
At one point we were at a busy intersection, & Kathleen said in her responsible-teacher voice, "Everyone hold hands with a buddy!" He said "I've got my buddy!" & indicated our intertwined hands.
December 29th
Hey, Kate? Remember, always, because I know you tend to forget: he likes you, he wants to touch you, he calls you every night, he grabs for your hand, he holds you, he buries his face in your hair, he thinks you're cute & pretty & amazing, HE asked YOU out, he cares about you, he wants to spend time with you... Never doubt these things, even though you're prone to, because they are true. Unequivocally & objectively.
December 30th
Uh, so, yeah, basically I have the best boyfriend ever (clingy & romantic, yet masculine? nerdy & smart, yet down-to-earth? WHAT?!) & I am starting to feel like I could fall in love with him very quickly very soon, though I don't really have the slightest clue what that is supposed to feel like.
December 31st
"Stop that, it's making my skin crawl!"
"If your skin were literally crawling, there would be [green alien blood?] under it, which would have a potent smell..." (geeky tangent about crawly skin as per sci-fi logic)
(sarcastically) "You're making me feel sooo beautiful & attractive..."
"No, I was saying you DON'T have that [green alien blood or whatever], so actually you ARE!"
"Oh. Okay. Glad you think so."
January 1st
Oh, hello, 2010! I have someone to share you with! That is kind of really ridiculously awesome. Wow. Here we go.
So basically, I have the boyfriend I've been wanting for seven months... I don't even know how to express in writing how happy I am so I won't try. But I'm VERY happy.
December 21st
You know what's kind of great? He's a full fourteen inches taller than me, so I physically cannot kiss him unless I stand on something or he leans down. I like this - it's very chivalrous & old-worldly & lovely.
December 22nd
i. A common question these days: "So how is this going to affect your improv?" My usual answer: "I guess we'll find out, won't we!" We have an exhibition night coming up really soon so I hope our improv chemistry doesn't tank as a result of our real-life chemistry finally being acknowledged.
ii. Based on my Date Evaluation System which I half-jokingly devised in July (whose point system, due to lack of organization, ranges from -62 to +97), our first date gets a score of +69, which is (so say the numbers) the best date I've ever been on. I actually laughed out loud while doing the evaluation because some of the criteria fit so perfectly - e.g. +6 if they reveal an intimate secret about themself (neither of us can go an hour without revealing our intimate secrets); +5 if we hold hands or link arms (or both) with an additional +5 if it's initiated by them; +8 if they say some variation of "I really like you" (or, you know, those exact words!).
December 23rd
A part of me keeps feeling like this is somehow wrong... but it's probably just nerves over the whole "first boyfriend" thing, which is all so new & foreign - except for those moments where we're fitting together & we're laughing & it feels like it's been this way forever, like we've been going out for months & months already, are established, are gorgeously comfortable & lovey-dovey (oh I do hate that word, but it works here). I'm definitely still figuring all this out & it's going to take some time for me to fully trust, accept, & forgive him. But right now the thought of him makes me feel swoony about 58% of the time which is more than can be said of almost anyone else in the world.
December 24th
Every time my hands get cold, I think of him.
December 27th
Very interesting fact: both of his parents are Taureans so he knows aaall about the kind of strength, stubbornness, vivacity, & intensity he can expect from me.
December 28th
At one point we were at a busy intersection, & Kathleen said in her responsible-teacher voice, "Everyone hold hands with a buddy!" He said "I've got my buddy!" & indicated our intertwined hands.
December 29th
Hey, Kate? Remember, always, because I know you tend to forget: he likes you, he wants to touch you, he calls you every night, he grabs for your hand, he holds you, he buries his face in your hair, he thinks you're cute & pretty & amazing, HE asked YOU out, he cares about you, he wants to spend time with you... Never doubt these things, even though you're prone to, because they are true. Unequivocally & objectively.
December 30th
Uh, so, yeah, basically I have the best boyfriend ever (clingy & romantic, yet masculine? nerdy & smart, yet down-to-earth? WHAT?!) & I am starting to feel like I could fall in love with him very quickly very soon, though I don't really have the slightest clue what that is supposed to feel like.
December 31st
"Stop that, it's making my skin crawl!"
"If your skin were literally crawling, there would be [green alien blood?] under it, which would have a potent smell..." (geeky tangent about crawly skin as per sci-fi logic)
(sarcastically) "You're making me feel sooo beautiful & attractive..."
"No, I was saying you DON'T have that [green alien blood or whatever], so actually you ARE!"
"Oh. Okay. Glad you think so."
January 1st
Oh, hello, 2010! I have someone to share you with! That is kind of really ridiculously awesome. Wow. Here we go.
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